Relationships are one of the most rewarding challenges you’re faced with. The big problem most people have about relationships is the stories that they tell themselves. The story is why their wife is acting the way she is. The stories that we tell ourselves about why our wives don’t care about us. The stories that allow us the opportunity to not have to do the uncomfortable actions of having in-depth conversations with our spouse.
Many times, these thoughts and stories result in our relationships completely falling apart. No matter what we try, the wounds that we have caused in our relationships can often be too much for the relationship to handle, and then, as a result, the relationship comes to an end.
Many people look for reasons as to why they need to end the relationship. They again tell themselves stories that my spouse is not making me happy. If you’ve read any of my articles, you know that your spouse can’t make you happy. Many times, because of emotional immaturity, we try many different ways to feel better about the circumstances around our marriage. We often run models that we want to help our relationship become better, but in the end, it is a killing blow to our relationship.
What Kills A relationship?
First, I’d like to look at what actually kills relationships. Because, sadly, most of the problems have been mentioned before. Our stories that we tell ourselves about a circumstance, often our wives tell themselves that we are mad at them, because we’re not talking to them. Or our wife isn’t interested in sex, so we tell ourselves that she is frigid or has another man.
Could those be correct? Yes, but more than likely no. But if we keep telling ourselves those stories over and over, we start to set our world up for the Pygmalion effect, or self-fulfilling prophecy.
So it’s good to know some of the common actions that will cause a relationship to come to an end.
Manipulation
Now, if you are anything like me, well, your wife is pissed off at you. You don’t enjoy that feeling. Especially if you’re not sure why she is upset. Nice guys really struggle with having our wives be upset, mad, pissed off, or whatever. So what did you end up doing? So, we start trying to find ways to get her not to be mad at us.
We may buy flowers or jewelry, thinking that it will make her happy. And again, our actions have no effect on our wives’ emotions. Her thoughts create her emotions. You have no means of affecting her emotions. You cannot make her happy. You cannot make her sad. You cannot make her feel anything she doesn’t want to feel.
The fact that we men try so hard to make our wives feel any way other than the emotions she’s displaying is currently causing us discomfort.
If we want our wife to do something, a lot of times, we will try different forms of manipulation to get her to do what we want her to do.
Many times, we will take actions so that we can try to get our wives to display an emotion we feel better about. For example, the nice guy may want to sleep with his wife. However, instead of facing the scary possibility of being told no, it’s easier to try to manipulate her into having sex with him. So he may clean the living room, wash all the dishes, put the dishes away, sweep the floors, dust the molding, scrub the bathroom, and wash and fold the laundry. Then he becomes upset and irritated at his wife because he didn’t bother to ask his wife, if he was to do that, would she be up to reciprocate? He created a covert contract and is now upset that she saw through his plan. Instead of being a grown-up and actually being emotionally brave enough to ask, he just assumed that if he did all this stuff for that, her clothes would magically fall off, and she would want to have sex with him.
The nice guy didn’t ask and created the covert contract because he did not want to feel the discomfort of being told no. I get that being told no and that type of rejection is rough, emotionally speaking, but when you are trying to manipulate somebody, they often have the sense that they’re being manipulated. So with human nature being what it is, they are going to push back against this type of demand.
Manipulation happens in more than just sex, but anytime that one person wants something from the other person, but doesn’t like the answer they get from the question. ”Would you cook dinner tonight?”
The wife responds with, “No.”
It can be seen as manipulating when you reply with something like, “It makes me feel loved when I come home to a warm meal.”
Manipulation wears people down. Even if they can’t put a word to what’s happening, they know when they are being manipulated. Manipulation decreases trust in a person and is often a sign of other issues, like narcissistic tendencies in the manipulator themselves. Now, I am not a fan of calling everybody a narcissist, because only around 1% of the US population has narcissistic personality disorder.s
Manipulation also comes in the form of gaslighting and trying to perpetually play the victim. Manipulation destroys the honesty and trust you have, and so does the next activity that destroys relationships.
Distrust
When it comes to a relationship-destroying act, the biggest one there is is dishonesty. This is simply because you have to have trust in a relationship for it to work. And manipulators love to throw that they can’t trust their victim as a means to have that other person do what the manipulator wants.
But there are things that can be done that destroy trust just as fast. Anytime you are sneaking or trying to cover up, your spouse will often see that as being dishonest. Lying is a huge act of dishonesty.
The thing about dishonesty is that it is so easy to knock the wall of trust down, but it takes so long to build it back up. So long that it’s not even worth being dishonest. It is better to be fully honest. Take the consequences of that honesty and move forward.
Another way that you destroy trust is by bullying. And yes, there are times that couples bully each other. Often, there is one bully, and that is often the one who could be seen as the abuser. They attack the other person and use all forms of manipulation, coercion, and intimidation. And in doing so, will destroy any trust that is in the family.
People who are bullies are emotionally weak. They are insecure, immature children. They have to have their way.
Criticism
Now look at what happens when your wife criticizes you. How do you view her? Does it encourage you to want to be more or less?
Now there is such thing as constructive criticism, but many times we use the term constructive criticism as a get out of jail free card because we would rather just complain about our significant other. Criticism is just a means of trying to control another person. ”You didn’t say the right words at the right time” is a useless criticism. The whole, “If you loved me you would…”, is manipulation wrapped in criticism. Being a husband means that you lead the family, and you don’t do that by bullying. You don’t lead by tearing the other person down. You lead by example. You understand that emotions are not caused by anybody other than you. So, to try to criticize another person, either as a means to help you feel better about what’s going on in your circumstances, or so you can bully the person so you feel like you have some control in your life, does not work because it destroys the foundation of what your relationship is about.
The 3 A’s
There are three A’s in a relationship that I find acceptable reasons to end a relationship. Those three A’s are abuse, addiction, and affairs. All three of those destroy trust. The offender also manipulates the other person by lying, coercion, intimidation, and it never goes well for the relationship.
You will always have to keep lying to overcome the shortcomings and the destruction that you have willed if you are in any of these or all of these three “A”s
Conflict avoidance
As you have heard me talk about before, to have a strong, resilient relationship, you have to have the ability to withstand conflict. You have to have conflict intimacy in your life. You have to be able to honestly and openly seek out common ground between you and your spouse.
Sadly, many people see conflict as a life-and-death situation. So they run from it, avoid it, they try to appease, they try to dissuade, they will deflect. In any way to get away from the discomfort they are feeling about the topic being discussed.
Nice guys often run from a conflict because they struggle with accepting their own emotions, much less somebody else’s thoughts and emotions. So they will appease and manipulate the other person so that they aren’t angry. So they aren’t irritated or even overly happy because emotional extremes make a people pleaser very uncomfortable. They want to be liked because that’s what they believe. Makes them feel good when it is their thoughts about the circumstance that controls that.
Keeping Score
Another problem that often leads to criticism and banging is the act of keeping score. Well, I have gone to work. I’ve cleaned the house. I’ve done the dishes. I washed the kids. I should be able to have sex because I did all this.
The problem with keeping score is that what one person sees as one point. The other person may see it as 10. For example, the wife may be staying home, and she’s saying things like I have to clean the house. I have washed and fed the kids. I have taken the kids to activities, and I have paid the bills. And you just come home from work and sit down and think you can just relax?
Cause the wife may be looking at each activity as equaling to one point. And so she adds going to work as just one point. While the husband may see them as one point, he is adding the points of everything he does at work, so going to work for him is at one point, it’s 37 points. And when you start running around with arguments like, I did the dishes yesterday, your turn to do the dishes, types of discussions. It leads to a mismanaged bundle of resentment.
Instead of accepting that you may have a set of responsibilities and the other person has a set of responsibilities, as long as those responsibilities are met, then great, if one person isn’t meeting the responsibilities agreed-upon, then there needs to be a discussion.
Can your relationship be rescued?
Many people often wonder if you can rescue a relationship. Can you save a dying relationship? The answer is yes, as long as both people are willing to first get out of a victim mindset. Because victims destroy way more than they help, they’re not making anything better by complaining about how they are mistreated. This problem arises time and time again when you have relationships on the rocks.
You have emotional gas tanks running on empty, people keeping score, there’s resentment and jealousy running rampant, and often one or both parties are trying to manipulate the situation so they just feel a little better by making the other person feel just a little worse.
So, how do you save a failing relationship? As mentioned before, the side for stopping the victim mindset, there are four other activities. You and your spouse have to perform together.
Stop running from conflict.
Learn how to have meaningful and productive conflict. Have a discussion where y’all both find a resolution. Do not try to beat the other into submission. If you can do that, you are building the trust back, you’re showing your wife that you are willing to be there through thick and thin. Through the hard stuff and easy things. But you can’t do that if you’re running away from conflict.
Yes, conflict is uncomfortable. However, discomfort will always lead you to success if you’re willing to stand and face it head-on. When you do a hard, challenging task, the reward is that you have a better life. The reward is that your spouse has a better life. The reward is that your relationship will become better, stronger, and tighter than knitted.
When you have good, strong conflict intimacy, your kids actually have better skills for better relationships, too.
Don’t just hear what is being said, understand
What is your wife actually wanting when she complains that you’re going out with the guys again? What is she saying when she says you never talk anymore?
On the surface, we often wanna say no, I just talked to you last night. Our arguments will show up as misunderstandings.
How do you get past these arguments? You do this by asking questions. Stephen Covey famously said in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Seek first to understand before being understood. And this is often what we fail to do when we are having discussions. We’re too busy looking for when we can put our two cents in, instead of understanding more about what our wife wants.
You have to soften yourself in these challenging moments. Instead of looking for a place to insert your thoughts, examine her thoughts, and better have a deeper understanding of what it is that she’s talking about. To be able to do that. You have to get out of that victim mindset, you have to stop thinking that you’re being attacked. You have to start leading by asking questions. You have to understand what she wants by asking why. God 3 or more why’s deep. See what you discover.
An example: your wife says we never talk anymore.
Why do you feel that? Response may be because I don’t feel as connected to you as we used to.
Why is talking so important? Because I feel safer when you are open about your emotions.
Why do you think I’m not sharing my emotions? Because again we’re not talking.
What does this connection look like to you?
You say you can add all who want when, where, and why’s to your discussions. But to really drive home the ability to know your wife is being heard, rephrase what you’re hearing into your own words and see if they match what your wife is talking about. Repeat the question back to your wife.
Being able to understand is crucial to feeling connected. This is why so many people are being drawn to ChatGPT and other chatbots like that, because those bots are saying what the other person would like to hear in a way that allows them to feel like there is a connection, whether it’s actually there or not.
So talk to your wife when she wants to know what you are feeling, she honestly doesn’t care about your emotions as much as she wants you to share your day with her. What was happening? What were the highs and the lows, and those don’t have to be that long of a discussion. Often, her wanting to connect with you is just her wanting to talk to you about what she finds important. And you don’t have to fix a damn thing.
Stop lying to yourself.
Another point that you can do that will save your marriage is to stop lying to yourself. That is telling yourself that things are fine simply because you don’t want to face the challenging portions of your relationship.
Taking responsibility for your part of the scenario is just as important as the different types of intimacy you need in your life.
When you lie to yourself, the whole family suffers. When you are honest with yourself, yeah, it may not be fun, but you will grow from that experience.
Schedule intimacy
Now we’ve heard this, and a lot of people kind of wrinkle their noses at the thought of scheduling intimacy. They want to say that takes all the fun out of the spontaneity of sex. That right there shows the lack of knowledge of what intimacy actually is. Yes, we do love our physical intimacy, which is what is included in sexual intercourse, but there are nine other types of intimacy you can be working on.
There are emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential, social, creative, aesthetic, and work intimacies. There are podcast episodes for each of those types of intimacies listed on this website.
Quickly, though, there is emotional intimacy. This is what your wife wants when she wants to talk. Sharing of ideas and thoughts, and all that creates social intimacy, sharing your day with her allows you to share emotional intimacy with your wife.
Intellectual intimacy is sharing your thoughts freely without criticism.
Spiritual is having a church of whichever religion you choose, and having your wife partake in that spiritual experience also
Experiential is doing things together. Sharing the experience of life with each other.
Social is getting with friends in a social environment
Creative intimacy is, can y’all work on a Remodeling project and stay married?
Conflict Intimacy is where you are able to have disagreements and have the ability to stay and see the conflict through to resolution.
Aesthetic intimacy is sharing what you both like again without the criticism.
Work Intimacy is where you share your work in life, which helps build emotional intimacy.
When you have that intimacy, the physical intimacy kind of takes care of itself. So when you schedule intimacy, it doesn’t have to be scheduling sex. It can be a date night where y’all go to the park to just talk, or go to a paint and sip, and y’all just have that experience, do Habitat for Humanity with each other. There are lots and lots of ways you can schedule intimacy together.
How do you tell when it is time to leave a relationship?
So let’s look now at the real hard, tough, challenging question. That is how you tell when a relationship is done? The answer is it depends upon you. You can control two things. Those are your thoughts and your actions, so you have to be able to conclude as to whether or not this relationship is worth it.
You have to understand the reasons behind why you want to leave the relationship. If it is because someone doesn’t make you happy, no one‘s gonna make you happy. You’re going to bounce from relationship to relationship, running into the same problem every single time.
Can you love this person and still let them go? That’s a strange question. I get it, and it threw me for a loop the first time I heard it posed to me. I struggled with that premise for a while until I started noticing a few guys who kept picking up the same type of woman. And these guys kept coming back with the all women are the same excuse.
The reason why they’re all the same is that you haven’t fixed the problem in you. You have to fix yourself and be able to look and love your partner, and still be able to let them go. When you can do that, you have solved the problem, and you’re not going to be faced with that problem with the next Relationship you get into.
Now, if it is based on the three A’s of abuse, addiction, or affairs, then that fits in with there being a lack of trust, and relationships aren’t going to grow unless there is trust. If you have tried everything you can to save the marriage and you still are not able to resolve the problem, it may be time to just let the relationship go. To hold onto a relationship because you don’t want to upset the other person is emotional manipulation on your part. Denying other people the opportunity to experience their emotions isn’t a loving action. To be able to let them be angry or sad or happy or triumphant is loving them. To let them go and find happiness is loving them to hold onto them because you don’t wanna be alone is out of fear.
Can you have a resolution for the end of the relationship? If so, and you can’t find the happiness, joy, and fulfillment in a relationship, then yeah, let it go. If you haven’t tried everything and there’s no abuse, no addiction, no affairs in the relationship, then you can still push if you’re leaving because you are resentful; then you need to fix that in yourself before you try to leave.
Relationships are hard. Relationships are tough. Relationships have every element of us, messy human emotions. But those emotions are what make us.
