How to save your marriage? Whether Your marriage is on the rocks or not there are things we can do to save our marriage. Many pieces of advice could be given from dear Abby to marriage counselors and marriage coaches so as always there is more than one way to de-fur a feline. What I am aiming at in this particular episode is the root of why marriages get weak. Why the spark dies out? Where did the beautiful sexy bride that you married go? When did she get changed out with this nagging woman who won’t let you rest?
As many of the listeners will know, the source of the problem is not what we can’t control, but what we can control.
Where did the spark go?
There are many factors and many reasons why marriages fail. They range from financial to simple boredom to Adultery, addiction, and abuse. Marriages can simply fall apart because it seems like a good idea at the time. Yet the ultimate reason why marriages fail is because of thoughts. That is it. Our marriages fail because we have thoughts that make them fail.
Let me tell a story that encapsulates this. Several years ago when my marriage was on shaky ground. I went off and got into a fight with my wife because of hand soap. Before I left the establishment, I went to the bathroom and washed my hands.
Now this hand soap smelt really nice, very flowery, and very perfumed and my wife wanted to know where it came from. She thought that the smell was a woman’s perfume and she wanted to know who it was. It took us going back to that restaurant and smelling the soap to prove it to her.
Was it because I was cheating? No, it was because my wife had thought that I was cheating. Her circumstances were that I smelt like a woman’s perfume. From that circumstance, a whole bunch of thoughts came along and those thoughts create emotions, and emotions created actions which were arguments and long nights and the result was a very upset wife. My marriage was in a tight spot because of a thought.
You would think I couldn’t fix my marriage because that thought is my wife thought, to a point you would be right. It is dependant that my wife work on her thoughts. I do my thoughts and actions I can control so I could take the victim route and that could lead the marriage to fail or I can present evidence to the contrary and leave it up to her to make a decision.
Money is very much the same way. When it comes to financial problems, marriages are very susceptible to thoughts. It is not about the circumstance of the money. It is the people’s thoughts around money that cause the problems. Whether it’s too much was taken out or not enough taken out, people’s thoughts and the scarcity mindset around money is where the money fights come from.
That also comes into effect with the lack of sex. Thoughts about how your marriage is sexless. Thoughts about how you have fallen out of love? When you have thoughts of her being frigid or something to that effect. Those thoughts are going to create your results. You sitting around playing the victim isn’t making you look any sexier so because of your thoughts, your results are no sex for you.
The spark went away because of your thoughts and your actions. Your settling for the mundane instead of searching for adventure brought on a lack of excitement all around. The fun part of this though is that you can bring back that spark. You can kindle it into an inferno of passion or adventure. This choice is yours.
Men desire three things. A battle to fight, a beauty to rescue, and an adventure to have. You can achieve all these and have an amazing vibrant marriage. Here are some starters
Your Marriage Needs a better connection
Now because people do have their thoughts about the different circumstances this is where building an emotional connection comes into play. Because white creates emotion? Thoughts create emotions. So an emotional connection is a thought connection. How do you share thoughts? You talk.
The basis of all the problems in a marriage is the thoughts that we have about different circumstances happening while we are married. So we think our wife is boring? Well, you are going to see her as boring. She is going to nag about things if we see her as nagging. She doesn’t like sex? You are going to see nothing but excuses as to why you don’t have fun in bed anymore. The same goes for her thoughts.
Our thoughts get us into trouble and they can get us out. You say, “that too easy”? Well, it may sound too easy but it’s not. There are online courses and outings and retreats all centered around building connections between a husband and wife. We often have to relearn how to rebuild that deep connection we desire.
Why? Because when we start opening ourselves up we invite even more thoughts. These thoughts will help and also get in the way. So having a connection of where you are sharing your thoughts with your wife, but that means she’s not going to agree with each thought and you aren’t going to agree with all of her thoughts. What you make those thoughts mean is the key to how well you make a connection. If you make her differences mean that she isn’t compatible then you are going to struggle with having a good strong emotional connection. Working through the learning process of learning how to communicate again is a fight worthy of saving your marriage.
If you can see that her thoughts are her thoughts and they don’t have any bearing on the man you are, but as a platform for more curiosity then you have a very strong bed of possibilities of connection. Those possibilities make your marriage even more exciting.
What about her? What if she takes my thoughts personally? Those are her thoughts, you can’t control them. You can only help her, if she wants it, to see how being her separate person is better. How? By being a differentiated person yourself and accepting that she is just another human going through life with her own thoughts and human emotions. Yeah, Your marriage may struggle while you both learn the ins and outs of becoming a differentiated couple instead of a co-dependent couple.
Date night
Now, this is the most common and go-to thing you can do to keep the fire burning for both of you. The reason why is that you have to keep dating your wife. You have to keep pursuing her. Women want to be desired. They want to know that they are on their man’s mind and one of the best ways is to schedule a date night each week. It doesn’t have to be on Friday or Saturday night but at least one night of the week.
Marriage isn’t a time that you say I do and then go on with your life. The dating needs to continue all through your marriage. This is the problem we have as men. We get caught up with the mundane day-to-day activities that we sacrifice our desires for a good and rich marriage and family. Sadly in doing so our marriage suffered. Not instantly but over time. Then before we know it we are having that 2 am talk about how your wife has lost her love for you and wants a divorce. Yes, this is devastating all because we stopped trying to pursue our wife as our girlfriend.
Also, put a little effort into it from time to time. Plan a trip, the whole trip with her interests in mind, at least once a month gives her the chance to do the same thing for you too. Mix it up and have fun. These dates don’t have to break the bank. The most inexpensive can often be the most enjoyable.
Do a nice restaurant and have a topic of discussion picked out. Sure, you can talk about family business but don’t let the family business run the whole date. Change the topic and dive deep into something. If you find something that you don’t agree on, lean into that. Not to change her mind but as a means of understanding why she thinks that.
Drop the nice guy
If you are not aware of it, Nice Guys are not nice. They are liars and manipulators. They do not like the unexpected. They want to make sure people are in a certain emotional state and that they don’t get too worked up. Nice guys are boring. This is why the bad boys often draw a woman’s attention to them. There is that sense of adventure to them.
As Men’s hearts of their three desires so do women. They desire to be romanced, to have an irreplaceable role to play, and have beauty to unveil. A nice guy can’t have that happen.
So if you are a nice guy you are about to embark on one of the scariest adventures in your life. This adventure is one of the emotions. There will be high emotional states of both yours and your wife’s. You have to be able to affirm to yourself that you are alright. No matter what your wife says. The work here is all on your shoulders. The nice guy made the mess and so it is up to you to show your wife that you are a changed man. That will take a lot of time and effort but it is something you will be able to do. Why? Because you can do hard things and yeah it’s worth it when you can live your life on your terms instead of sacrificing yourself to the terms of others.
Apply the 4 Pillars of a Relaxed Male
The last part of saving your marriage is four separate parts. This is Applying the 4 pillars of a Relaxed Male. Working on your mind, body, soul, and community. All four of these pillars help you to become more interesting to your wife. This strengthens a marriage because you become more interesting. Yeah, she will still have her thoughts that she will express to you and she will have to process the thoughts
However, when you are working on your Man’s Mind Pillar you will be able to see how she is getting in her own way and listen as she navigates her thoughts.
Your wife will come to understand that you will be around a lot longer as you apply the Man’s Body pillar. You will start to look more appealing as your body tones up. You don’t have to be ripped you don’t have to aim for muscle mass just getting yourself into better shape than you were before your marriage got shakey. You become more physically attractive to her as you start to lose those extra pounds. You also show your wife what is possible as you take the steps to better yourself.
With the Man’s Soul Pillar being strengthened you are building something bigger than yourself. You start to realize that the external validation you get from the world doesn’t mean nearly as much as when you become self-affirming. Your attitude about what is possible changes as you start to make those first tentative strides toward your goal.
If you think back to when you are your wife met you probably had an idea that you were pursuing. Your focus was getting to that distant vision you had. That drive to reach that goal is one of the biggest attractants your wife had to you at that time. Women want adventure.
Yet as the years progressed you lost the drive for that objective. Your priorities shifted as the children came and before you knew it your drive for adventure became just the drive to get the bills paid. this is why the Man’s soul is so important. You need a purpose to get you moving to keep you young and keep your mind working.
Finally, you also want to work on your friends, how many friends do you have? How many people could you contact and have then come to your aid at 3 am? That group shrinks. Now sadly many people today want to try to claim they are introverts and don’t want to be around people. I agree people are shifty. You don’t know how they will act. Except if you think about it you do. You know that humans will act in their own way to their own thoughts. So you know their unpredictability is the norm. So to avoid people because of that is futile.
Your 4th pillar is the Man’s Community. and that community is not just those you call friends but also your actual community. The more you interact with people the better you are known. The heart of the man’s community is the group of men you have in your life. These men are there helping you become greater. Helping you reach the goals you are after. They are also around to help you be a man.
That injection of masculinity helps you become more attractive to your wife. A man is a bit wild and adventurous. Then the reason they have those three desires. This is also why women have their own three desires. These both fit together nicely and can live an adventure with the men in your life while your wife comes along for the ride is a recipe for exploring discussions and late nights of talks. Where the passions fill and hearts race.
You can find that blushing bride who has a slight naughty streak and she wants to stay with you. But you have to do all the heavy lifting. Trying to pass the buck over to something that the wife isn’t doing doesn’t fix the problem. You have to be the man of the house and you have to do the thought work yourself. You have to take the initiative to get out of bed and work out. You have to be the first to speak. This and much more are on your plate. Yet if you are willing to roll up your sleeves and grab the shovel you will find your life has more fulfillment and greater love than you ever thought possible.
