As humans, we are afflicted with a wonderfully fascinating state of being called emotions. We are hearing a lot about emotions and may even hear how we men apparently don’t express them correctly or at the wrong times. Often, when we express our emotions, they cause other people to have their own emotions. If the other people have emotions that do not make them feel good, then they react in their own particular manner also.
People like judging other people’s emotions based on how they personally feel about those emotions. This is why our emotions are one of the greatest things that make us human, but they are also so terribly messy because of how other people think of these emotions.
Now, what emotion many people struggle with experiencing through other people is anger and upset in general. A lot of times, we mistake other emotions for anger. Somebody is brooding, or our feelings are hurt. We often mistake the emotion for anger. Frustration also shows up many times as anger. People also mistake aggression as being anger, however, that is an action that comes from the emotion of anger. Anger is a completely different thing. Anger is an emotion, while aggression is an action. I will break down the differences between emotions or feelings and actions here shortly. Firstly, let’s look at anger itself.
What is anger?
Many people would instantly jump to the thought of I know exactly what anger is,, anger is this emotional turmoil that boils up within us, thanks to the action of somebody else. For instance, somebody flipped you, the bird, from the opposite side of a room. Depending on whether it’s a friend of ours and other social cues that we get from the man with the middle finger, we may take offense at the action. We may mistakenly say that he made us mad. The guy who’s actually flipping us off may think that we are to blame for his bad attitude.
The whole interaction is completely contingent upon the story we are telling ourselves. What are you making the guy flipping you off mean to you? Many guys would say he’s an asshole. However, I would ask then why are you upset about this guy‘s action? The reason that you got angry at the other guy’s actions is because of the story you’re making up in your head about the circumstances as to why this guy flipped you off.
Now, a lot of guys want to think that anger is powerful. And in a way, yes, it does. It allows us to have a sense of reclaiming our power over a circumstance. It allows us to feel like we can take charge of being the victim of somebody else’s actions. And if you know anything about what my philosophy is on victimhood, you see the flaw in that thought.
Anger is your choice. It is you just blindly reacting to a circumstance. You have the choice to get upset, angry, or accept what story you’re telling yourself, or you can reject that story and have it mean nothing to you and have a better experience in your day as a whole.
It is a vibration
Our emotions are often misinterpreted. We like positive emotions because of how they make us feel. We don’t like perceived negative emotions for the very same reason. What you’re actually feeling is a vibration that is created from a thought. This vibration starts in your mind and goes throughout your body. This is why anxiety and uncertainty don’t feel good. They’re a vibration that is not enjoyable to you. This is also the reason why some people have no problem feeling anxious; they can just step through it because it’s just a part of life.
Anger is the same way, it is a vibration that is used to mask an emotion that doesn’t feel as powerful.
Because of how emotions feel to us, this is where a lot of our problems come into play. We feel something like fear, and we try to mitigate it and shove it into a corner without actually experiencing that helpless emotion. We will mask a powerless feeling emotion with an emotion of action, like anger. The problem is that anger can turn into the action of aggression if somebody is not paying attention. If they do not have their thinking part of their brain engaged. This is what often happens with people in Karen videos, or other people simply just crashing out. They react to what is happening without applying thought. They fall directly into the action without even examining whether their thoughts are true or if they are just running on a script.
So pay attention to all emotions that you have. When it comes to anger, what would happen if you just sat with it? What if you just allowed yourself to be angry without trying to change that emotion at all? What would happen if you allowed the fear they got kicked up into anger to just happen? You might find a whole new sense of peace when you take the time to respond to a circumstance as opposed to just reacting.
It is caused by your thoughts.
They might start seeing a pattern showing up here. That pattern is that your thoughts create your emotions. You see a circumstance, you tell yourself a story about what that circumstance means to you. In turn, your brain fires off the right chemicals to instigate that emotional experience.
This is why people can’t make you mad. People can’t hurt your feelings. The only person who can’t hurt your feelings is you.
So when your wife says something that causes you to become angry, that is because you’re actually angry that she discovered a key part that you were trying to keep hidden. So instead of getting angry at your wife, I actually recommend you stop and sit down and look at what it is you’re angry about.
You became angry because somebody got too close to the hidden truth, and you agreed on some level with what they said.
You can change those thoughts; you have the power to change what you’re seeing through your mind‘s eye. You can either see your wife as attacking you, or she is concerned about something, and she is expressing it to the best of her ability, with her own emotions mixed in. Again, I said human emotions are messy, and when we start mixing two separate emotions from two separate people together, it’s gonna get even messier.
So if you want to halt the suffering, the irritation, the frustration, the resentment, the victimhood mentality, you have to change how you view yourself, followed by how you view your circumstances.
It is the bodyguard of fear.
Now, as you can see, anger doesn’t just jump out. You don’t just instantly get angry because of something. A good example is you’re driving down the road, someone cuts in front of you, and then slams on their brakes. You slam on your brakes. You get angry. What actually made you angry?
The circumstance of the model is that the guy pulled in front of you and slammed on the brakes. You became afraid for yourself, your car, and your passengers if you had any. Fear doesn’t allow a person to feel powerful or in charge. Therefore, you bring out anger to protect the weak feeling emotion being felt.
So to be angry is to actually mask who you really are. That denial is creating more suffering in your life and in those around you, because yes, anger is an emotion, and you can feel anger and allow it to be used constructively, you do have to engage your thinking part of your brain first. Most people will not do that, they will react, not respond.
Your model leads to your results.
You can see on this site all the different examples of a Model. Why paying attention to your model is crucial for your marriage and your sense of fulfillment.
To be able to understand how you control your model, you first have to understand that you can only control 2 Items of the model. That is your thoughts and your actions. You have a thought about a circumstance that will generate your emotions, and that emotion will drive your action. That action leads to your result. So if you don’t want your wife to leave because your temper is out of control, then you have to take the steps of paying attention to your thoughts and changing the thought so you get the desired action.
This is something that takes time and practice. You have to understand that when you are angry or feeling disrespected or whatever emotion you want to claim your wife is responsible for, it isn’t your wife, your kids, your boss, or anybody else’s fault but your own. If you are frustrated or pissed off, that is fully on you. You need to check your model and change how you are approaching the situation because your thoughts lead to your results.
You have to stop being lazy.
Yes, you are being lazy by trying to point out your discomfort to someone else. IF you are saying your boss is to blame for your bad mood, then I would ask why you are giving your boss the controls to your emotional being. It is easy to play the victim and say it is your wife’s fault.
Now this is a habit you have formed, and you need to keep at the work of paying attention to the real culprit of your suffering. Your thoughts on the circumstance. What does that circumstance mean to you? When you can voice the truth as to what the story is you are telling yourself, then you will be able to start changing your emotional outcome.
You have to do the work. Not your wife. Cause you can’t control that. Even with all the emotions, manipulation, coercion, threats, and more. It has to be her idea to act, not yours. So yeah, stop blaming everyone else for your pain. That is entirely on your shoulders. This is where I would say you need to get out of emotional immaturity and be emotionally mature.
