Overcoming the Devastation of Divorce

It is a sad part of divorce that both parties come out with wounds and limiting thoughts. Many times the man and wife are too busy seeing how they can get the other side that they don’t see that many of the supposed wounds they have are self-inflicted. They are too busy getting even or scrambling to get all the resources they can that they stop seeing everybody else as human and the real pain and trouble start to show up.

Because of the effect of divorce, you have men who decide that they are never going to date again. They pull away from society. Because divorcing couples are so wrapped up in their own heads this is why the children in the middle are often the ones that are worst off. You have parents’ playing the kids off of each other and the mental anguish that is caused when a kid has to choose sides. The Hurt each parent inflicts is just what they claim they don’t want. Yet here they are. Trying to screw the person they claimed to love for several years to suddenly crawfish on the other and see how much pain can be inflicted.

The whole divorce process is problematic, to begin with. It was fairly balanced for a while. The person leaving would lose the kids and have to pay. Because the other party member didn’t want the divorce. So they are the one who is shorted. Do you do that today? No. It is a race to the bottom who can be the bigger victim so that the judge will feel the sorriest.

Now add to the point that these days most divorces are starting from women and you now see where the problem starts to rise. Yeah, the woman is often making more money than the man now the man is still having to pay alimony on top of the child support.

So once the dust has settled and the bodies have been counted how do you recover from a devastating divorce?

How do you overcome the hurt?

So it is all done and you are now in your brother’s basement trying to figure out what you are supposed to do now? You have come to the conclusion that your ex-wife could afford a better lawyer and that you were jipped. Your honesty and values were used against you and you are a nice guy. Yet for some reason the world doesn’t care about nice guys. So you decide you are going to become a bitter man who is just going to reflect on his pain.

Maybe you are the opposite and you are tired of the pain you feel over this unwanted divorce. You want to try to move on and maybe even start trying to rebuild your love life. What needs to be done to overcome the hurt?

Allow yourself to heal

This can and will take time. This period of time can make you a better man or a bitter man. It depends on many different factors. However, there are three overarching points you have to work on to fully recover There are different ways you can work on these three points from therapist to self-help. The path is the same no matter where you go. The point is you have to allow yourself time to heal.

Yes, Time heals all wounds, so prepare to have a long journey ahead of you. Yes, many guys just say you need to go out and sleep with the first girl you are with. Yeah, it gives you some temporary confidence, but if you want the confidence that brings in the high-value woman you have to do a good amount of work on yourself. that’s because self-respect has to be rebuilt.

Find a way to forgive

To work on your self-respect you have to first be able to forgive not only those around you that you hurt in your mad scramble for resources but also forgive yourself for the times that you were out of integrity. The hardest isn’t forgiving your ex-wife for all the heartache frustration and gaslighting that happened but the challenge is to forgive yourself.

Do the needed thought work on yourself

To be able to forgive yourself for the wrongs you did you have to make several steps and those steps will often lead to failures. If you are willing to accept failure as a learning spot you will keep growing. To forgive you have to accept your own part in the circumstance. You had a hand in the divorce when you can accept that as just being fact without any emotional reaction you are on your way to forgiving yourself. Taking responsibility is always the first step. If you can’t take responsibility for your part in the scenario then how are you going to forgive yourself?

To do this you also will need to do a lot of thought work on why you did or didn’t do what was needed to keep the marriage on track. Yeah, it does stir up a lot of emotions and that can be uncomfortable at best and pure hell if you are resistant. Yet when you start processing the emotions and the thoughts that created those emotions you will start to get a good scab over the hurt areas. Will the pain ever manage to heal? Yeah if you want them to. If you don’t, then no they won’t heal. If you resist the emotions that come up and you avoid them with some chemical support you are just resisting the emotions that need to be. You won’t heal because you don’t want to face the truths you need to see.

The whole process is for you. You have to allow yourself to forgive all aspects of your failures. You have to make the plans needed to better yourself. Doing so will help you conquer the fear, distrust, and feeling of devastation that you are awash with after the judge set their gavel down.

How Do You Overcome the Fear?

Fear is nothing more than an unmanaged mind. People who have emotional childhood will face the emotion of fear more often than those who know how to process their thoughts. You start to see the patterns of what happens when your mind runs to a fearful spot. You developed the skills needed to turn your brain back to a better line of thinking. This takes work as everything is worth doing. We don’t want easy, we just want worth it.

So look at how your thoughts create your emotions. See if those thoughts are actually serving you. If not then how do you change them?

How do you overcome the distrust?

You have had your trust violated by someone who you trusted completely till the divorce came about. Now that you have seen and come to understand that all the people who were actually your friends or just your friends because they were friends of your wife. You may feel a lot more exposed as if your butt is hanging out in the wind. That’s understandable. You thought you had a lot of friends in your life. Yet you probably found out that those friends carried on with their lives and are in a completely different phase than when they first knew you.

So yeah you will have a sense of abandonment. You can make that mean whatever you want. Is it a choice? You don’t have to trust anyone ever again if you so chose. Yet I would like to point out that if you want a good relationship ship with a new potential wife you will have to open yourself up again. Closing yourself off doesn’t allow for connections to build. So you have to figure out how you trust again. That is by making small steps. Yet also remember that the other people in your life are also human’s being human. So they have their own thoughts and emotions that they are fighting with. You can either take their actions as being an affront to you or they just are.

How do you rebuild after that type of devastation?

Yet again how do you move on? How do you try to live a normal life while going through the emotional devastation of divorce? Well first I would ask if what happened was actually emotional devastation, or is it just perceived emotional devastation? Are your emotions truly wrecked? Sounds off and sounds like I may not actually care about you. Yet I ask that question because I care. I want you to understand that your pain, your suffering, and your emotional devastations are just a thought.

Yes, it is just a thought, hence the need for thought work. You have to decide how you want to rebuild. You can, again, run off to a cabin in the woods and never be seen ever again. You could just act like a pissed off Scorned dude and sleep with who you want and think women are just out to screw you over so you hold them back and you continue to grow bitter and resentful over something that happened to you.

How is it a thought?

Right, you were there. You saw the judge give your wife everything you worked for and you hardly have access to the kids or even your own money. so that is all true. Now, let’s break this whole thing down to just the facts.

Did your wife get everything or just everything you wanted? Yes, there is a difference. You tell yourself that she got everything and suddenly you don’t see all that you may have gotten. Even if she was awarded all the property and even your pickup that you need for work. What are you making the ruling mean? Are you making it mean that you were a victim of the court processes or are you looking at the results of hope she finds her happiness from it?

Ok, that face you are making shows the whole story of what you are thinking about that. How or why would you wish her joy? You may wish ill will upon her. You may wish that everything she touches turns to crap. Yet I am a firm believer that everything comes back to you. If you wish ill will upon your ex-wife then you are going to have ill will. Remember your thoughts create your results.

So you want to make sure your thoughts are serving you not keeping you playing small. Having scarcity, victimhood, fix mindsets, all cause you to play small. Playing small means that your ex-wife won. Is that what you want?

Rebuilding

As with anything, to rebuild you have to first clean up. So yeah you have to clean up your thinking as mentioned earlier. Clean pain and clean thoughts are good to have. To have clean emotions you have to be accepting of them. You cant avoid your thoughts or your emotions. Doing so will only prolong the agony and suffering you are currently feeling.

Accept your responsability

Now, this is a tough one. You have to accept that you had a part in the failure of your marriage. This thought work will take time and a fair amount of courage. because you have to accept your part of the scenario. Owning your dirt actually makes you stronger. When you can say that you weren’t there for your wife as much as you could have been and you are able to do that out of a place of love. YOu are healing. When you can point out the times you tried to screw over your ex-wife you are also able to start healing.

Stop being the victim

First off nobody respects a victim. Nobody likes a victim. They have to feel sorry for the victim and it comes from a place of no power. It’s not your fault that you fell off a mountain. Really? So someone placed you on the mountain without your knowledge? We all have a hand in our own demise. We ignored red flags because our ex-wife was smoking hot. You ignored her daddy issues. You overlooked the body count she had racked up. You didn’t actually audit what she brought to the family either out of ignorance or through your own thoughts.

The first step to not being a victim and claiming your power back is to take on your responsibility in the matter. Owning your dirt is another way to put it.

Quite the nice guy routine

If you have read this blog for a while you know that the nice guy is anything but nice. They are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Most men cause their marriages to fail because of the fact that they are nice guys. You see a nice guy is a people pleaser. People pleasers are liars and manipulators. Nice guys get all their value from external sources. and so they are always trying to make a person like them so that they are able to feel good about themselves.

Many nice guys try to play the victim by saying that if we aren’t nice guys then we have to be jerks. No a nice guy and a jerk are two sides of the same asshole. you can have a differentiated relationship with your wife and this allows her to live her life her way and you live your life your way and yall love each other for being the person they are. It is tough especially when you start becoming a recovering Nice Guy. Cause you have a lot more thoughts you have to clean up.

Build up your Four Pillars

The 4 pillars of a Relaxed Male are needed whether you are going through a divorce or already had a divorce or you are looking for a wife. These 4 pillars can make you become a higher-value man in today’s society. When you bring more value to the relationship you have the opportunity to have access to higher-quality women. You also get high-quality opportunities.

Man’s Mind

Learn why your relationship failed. again you will need to be able to own your responsibility but working on your mind and learning will allow you to spot the danger signs so you avoid the problem next time.

Man’s Body

This gets you into shape. Eat well and exercise. Turn that soft pudgy body into a body that shows your worth.

Man’s Soul

What are you working for? do you go to a job just for the paycheck? Then find your purpose. Find a passion. Doing so will allow you to build a life of adventure for the beauty you are going to have.

Man’s Community

You also need lots of masculine men around you to help you become better. Remember you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most intentional time with. So if you are with a bunch of stoners and drunks then your value will be at their level. While if you are following the 5 pillars and trying to get things going your life will improve in many surprising ways.

Get a Coach

Now the final way to get your life rebuilt after a devastating divorce is that you find a coach that will help you get past the limiting thoughts that have caused you to play life small. Have a coach help you transform your thinking to where you are going for the big prize and if you fail that is OK you will try again.

Coaches are the fastest way to change how you perceive yourself and your life. You can grow and become a pillar of the community or you can play it small and wonder why your life has never taken off. It is all about how you think of the circumstance.