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Being a Better Husband

Reading Time: 13 minutes

How’s your marriage? If you are just married and still in your honeymoon phase, great. You are still getting quite a bit of sex you are holding each other for hours while watching TV.

If you have been married for a few years. There are several challenges. You aren’t having too many huge problems that you know of. You go to work, you come home, play with the kids for a while. Sex happens. It’s not weekly but it’s not an emotional desert either. If you have been married for a while, things may be doing alright. Then again they may be a bit shaky. Maybe you are sensing that something is slightly off. 

There is the chance that your marriage has gone completely off the rails. There could be no communication happening. The fire in the relationship died out years ago. You just don’t have the will nor the funds to even try to move. 

What if all these levels of marriage can be improved? Where you might just create that spark in her eyes and maybe even create a spark in other areas too. It is possible, but not easy but very possible to change how you and your wife interact with each other. All that’s needed is for you to be the best husband for her. 

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Yeah, that is possible. Take off that nonbeliever hat and bear with me for a little while. I can show you how. You, yes, you that person with the thought of you can’t change my woman’s attitude. She is the most even-tempered woman I know, she’s mad all the time. Well, you can take that grumble bear and win her over with a little work on your part.

Let me guess, you’re asking why do I have to change, and not her? What if this hair-brained idea doesn’t work? Great, I’m gonna look like a fool in front of her and all of her friends. No, you won’t. Those objections you are hearing are just your brain wanting you to not change so it doesn’t have to do extra work. Tell your mind to take a seat and get ready because you are going to be the Romeo of your wife’s world. 

What is a wife looking for?

First off let us look at what a woman, your wife generally needs from a guy. Now I understand that there may be other things because each person is different. So to find out the full details you have to do the unpleasant thing of talking with your wife. Grab a towel and pat your forehead. Now let’s look at what do women generally look for in men?

unrecognizable woman standing on mountain peak
Photo by Aditi Vinod Arya on Pexels.com

A Man to Protect them

Now, this may sound a bit chauvinistic in today’s age and that is fine because most men are old-fashioned and we know what we are supposed to do. We protect the women of our lives. The woman in our lives wants us to protect them. Yeah, they may be able to handle themselves in a tight situation, but if we can step in with our denser muscle mass and greater strength then use the proper tool for the job. 

Women want men to protect them. Yeah, some enlightened ones want to think they don’t need protection. That is till they find that they do.

Women who want to be wives, though, want men who are strong and capable of protecting them. They want the security and assurance that they get from someone who is going to protect them from the baddies of the world. Women crave men who are their heroes. Those knights in shining armor. 

A Man to Provide

We all know that a man’s responsibility to their family is to leave the cave and drag home a beast. We are hunters. We as men are to provide for the family. One of the more important aspects of our relationship with women. We have to provide.

Now, this doesn’t mean you have to be the breadwinner. No, she can make more money than you but you need to be making some income. That is for your sanity and her respect for you. If you don’t work then that house had better be spotless, and you had better have food on the table ready to eat when she gets home. Yeah, all those expectations you have of your wife. Those go to you too if you are a stay-at-home dad. 

If you can, you can also run your own side business. If you can provide and accomplish a dream then bonus points for you. Your woman will like that too. If you are a driven man you have a purpose and you are pursuing that purpose, then your wife will see you in an even better light.

Whatever you do, you need to provide. Be that a home or an income your duty is to provide.

Men Hunting
Photo by Rhett Noonan on Unsplash

Women need men to lead

Now, this isn’t you lording over them. No, but women and your kids look to you for direction. You and your wife lead as a team yes but you are the head and yes your wife is the neck. She has input as to where yall go.

Sadly the feminist movement has taken men and caused enough of a stir that men aren’t sure who is in charge. Because they don’t want to be seen as being too macho or give the impression that they roll in toxic masculinity. These men have sadly given up their power of leading and are just harmless emasculated males who wonder why nobody takes them seriously. These men are the ones who act surprised when suddenly the wife says she wants a divorce. These men make statements like, “It came out of nowhere, she wants me to leave. She says she doesn’t love me anymore.” 

That’s because they gave up their power and because they gave up their power to lead their women don’t have that much respect for them now. So you have to lead. If you aren’t sure how to, Talk to me I can get you going

Your Woman Needs You to Have Better Communication Skills

Now, this is one thing you can get better on. Men love to fix stuff. We hear a problem and boom! We are off to correct the problem. Women oddly enough don’t always want that, There are many times that they want to just vent. You have to learn to sit there and listen. Not fix the problem but just be present while she talks about what it is she needs to say. Don’t dismiss her. Just put the phone down on silent and give your attention to her for the time she needs. She needs you to be present.

Your wife wants to feel as if you have heard her. Yeah, she may have a nail in her forehead but it’s not about the nail. She just wants to know you are hearing her. It may feel odd but it can be done and you will feel closer too.

A Full Emotional Tank

This is the one place most of us men fail. I firmly believe this where 90% of all failed marriages go wrong. We aren’t putting enough emotional deposits of I love you into her savings account. That is because we believe we are showing her we love her every day. Yet, that is like saying I love you in German and she is Japanese. There is a language barrier that is happening.

Now according to Gary Chapman, there are 5 different love languages and several different dialects in each language. He also says we are fluent in 2 different languages.

Photo by Munro Studio on Unsplash

The 5 love languages are

Acts of Service – This is what many of us men are doing to show our wives that we love her. We may bring her shoes in from the front porch on a frosty winter’s morning. Or we mow the lawn each week. 

Quality time – This is a language many women have. If she is saying we never talk. This is what she means. She wants you and her to just spend some quality time. Ignoring the world and it just is you two. You may have done this back when y’all were dating. Yet y’all eat supper and then off to the TV room while she goes and watches TV in the bedroom and her eyes there is no quality time together

Physical Touch – Now this is almost always a guy’s primary love language. We are physical beings and we like to shake hands. We place our hands on a brother’s shoulder. We are often touching other people.. We will caress our wife’s backside as we pass her by. This is us speaking our love language. The reason she isn’t reciprocating is because that isn’t her love language. Now some women have physical touch as their love languages but they are the Type O Negative of women.

Words of Affirmation – This is that much-needed Attaboy or good job. That you need after a day’s hard work. Some like to receive a word of affirmation from time to time. Many wives are like this. Some wives aren’t. If compliments are always being deflected then that doesn’t mean that Words of Affirmation isn’t her love language. It just means she isn’t comfortable with compliments.

GIfts – We often cover the bases with this when we are first dating, and in the honeymoon phase. Yet it will fade off as kids show up and demand more and more of our time. Yet if you can surprise her with something unexpected you are putting several gallons in her emotional tank.

What a Woman doesn’t need from her Husband?

There are many things your wife needs from you. We covered a few of those, now what does she not need from her husband? Well, I can say there is just about the opposite of everything she needs but there are a few things that will kill the love she has for you in no time if you act like any of these.

A Male GIrlfriend

Now, this is often confused with sitting and talking with her and spending quality time with her. The big difference is that when you start bitching and moaning about your woes, your troubles, your concerns to your wife you are becoming her girlfriend and that is not what she married you for. She needs a man who can listen to her problems, her concerns and fix them if she wants them fixed. 

Your wife doesn’t want you to come home and gripe about how your boss is being mean to you every day. She doesn’t need to hear the negative events. She doesn’t want to hear the problems that won’t affect her. You made a bad investment and so our accounts are overdrawn? You might tell her, then again you might not. If that is going to affect her in some way then you might let her in on the events. You have a new boss and he is a real douche bag? That isn’t something you need to tell her. 

So You are supposed to just keep all the worries and anxiety you feel bottled up? Oh no, Never but you pass those worries and concerns over to those who are there to handle them. Those are your band of brothers. You give your negative energy to your band of brothers and you give your positive energy to your wife. 

A Male girlfriend tells her all the stuff that makes her worry and in her eyes that you can’t handle life’s events and so how much trouble are you going to have provided for her? You see when you become the male girlfriend, you give up the respect she has for you. A woman can’t love a man she can’t respect.

Grown Boy

Is she always following you around cleaning up your messes? Is she having to comfort you after a tough day? Are you a grown boy? Again this is much like the male girlfriend but with extra work. Now she has a grown man she has to care for. And a grown boy isn’t sexy so don’t expect a lot of intimacy from her once she gets tired of your antics. For the very same reasons as to why your wife will leave you for another man if you are her male girlfriend, she will leave you if you are a grown boy. She won’t be able to respect you when you are not being a man. Your wife needs you to be a man and a grown man on top of that.

Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash

A Freeloader

Sadly this is where many men kill their marriages in today’s society. 80% of all divorces are initiated by the wife. One of the reasons for the divorce is because she is tired of living with a freeloader. Now I hear you freeloaders screaming right now. I hear the “I work every day, when I get home I just want to relax” A freeloader is a man who does some work but just enough to where he is seen as contributing and no more. Grown boys are often freeloaders. They consume and don’t contribute to the betterment. They want to do just the bare minimum so they can just sit and watch the ball game on the television.

A Roommate

Many marriages devolve from a passionate marriage to roommates. This is often people who have been running on empty emotional tanks for quite some time and they have just accepted this to be the normal marriage. Which is sadly the case. Most marriages are roommates with a few extra benefits, like healthcare. They are sadly sexless and the romantic spark is gone. 

Now there is hope but it takes work and tenacity because you have to show her that you are not the same boring guy. It also means you have to take charge of some things if you are going to actually make a shift in how your wife sees you as a husband. Are you going to be the bump on a log or are you her hero?

A Victim

Now everybody does fall into the victim mindset from time to time. It is easier to feel sorry for yourself than it is to claim responsibility for your actions. Yet when you do go into victim mode. Your wife loses respect for you because she has to go save you. When you start blaming others for your shortcomings, your wife will have to expend more energy to rescue you and then spend time building you back up. 

It is better to actually own your own dirt and take responsibility for your mistakes. Your wife isn’t talking to you because said something she took as being mean. She’s not sleeping with you because you plant your butt on the couch and you aren’t anywhere close to manly in her world. You are not taking care of yourself. You are way overweight. You are not interesting to her. Would you want to come home to a sexy interesting wife every night or would you rather come home to a woman who didn’t take care of herself? You know the answer.

Negative Emotions

A woman wants you to talk to her. Yet sitting down and complaining about your day and dumping negative emotional baggage all over her isn’t what women want. They want to hear all the wins and successes you have achieved. Your wife wants to hear that you are reading a fascinating book about something that stirs your soul. She wants to know that you are bettering yourself. You are taking the bull by the horns and making your world, and in turn her world, better. 

Yet aren’t we supposed to share our emotions with our wife? Yes, positive emotions. IF you are struggling with something it is better to talk to your band of brothers. This is one of the big reasons you need to have a good network of masculine men to talk to. They will be able to help you with your negative outcomes. That is the job of your brothers, your wife is there for you to dump all the wins on. She will help you celebrate along with the men in your life.

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

How do you become a better husband?

Great question! There are several things that you can do to change the course. Even if your wife has said she doesn’t love you anymore, that is fine. You can change her around and get her interested in you again. Now, this isn’t a guarantee, because I don’t know how long your wife has been running with an empty emotional bank account. Yet here are some things that you can do that will help you.

Own Your Dirt

Take responsibility, It may hurt a bit but you have to own up to your shortcomings and don’t worry about hers. You can’t control her, so stop trying. When you say something hurtful. Say you are sorry and why you are sorry. Don’t give an excuse because she said mean words to you first, you just own your part of the problem. After apologizing, explain how you are going to rectify your part of the problem. 

I don’t want to hear how you do all this and she isn’t doing anything. Well no duh! You have not taken responsibility for your action for a very long time and now suddenly she supposes to believe you are this “changed man”? It will take a while. Maybe a few weeks, a few months, hell it may take years. But she will see you are serious and start to come around.

Start filling her emotional tank

Find out what her Love Language is and come to understand what your love language is with a simple quiz. It is free and you gain great insight. Once you know, buy the book 5 love languages. I have seen it at Hobby Lobby or you can buy it on Amazon. Read and start applying what you learn.

Be Present

When yall are talking be present with her. Look her in the face. Look into her eyes. Turn your phone on silent and set it in the other room. Turn the television off, even if it is a great game. To be the best husband the game plays second fiddle to your women. Nothing in the world is as important as connecting with your wife. Then listen. Don’t think of how to fix it. Just listen. Don’t look for places you can interject. Just listen to what she is saying. Try to understand what she is feeling. Yeah, yeah emotions, they aren’t as important to us as they are to our wives. Emotions are what she is conveying. Maybe it is frustration with Junior and his grades. She doesn’t want to fix it, she wants to talk about it. So be present with her as she talks if she asks for input then ask some questions don’t throw out opinions

Photo by Alejandra Quiroz on Unsplash

Build your 4 pillars of a Relaxed Male

There are 4 pillars of a relaxed Man. These pillars are essential for a man to have a productive and calm life. If you want to be able to breathe and not be under pressure of the world these 4 pillars keep the world off of your back.

The Man’s Mind

This is your need to learn. You are working on this pillar right now because you know there is something off and you want to improve it. This is you learning something new. Reading books and listening to podcasts. Attending conferences, and taking classes online or offline. It doesn’t matter as long as you are learning. Expanding your mind is what is important.

The Man’s Body

This is your health pillar. You need to take care of your body and that means eating some vegetables too. Eating meat is fine in my book. We were designed to eat meat. But we are also designed to take nutrients from plants too. 

You also need to get out and exercise. Workout and build muscles and build your endurance. This way you can protect your wife and you are showing her that you are wanting to stay around for as long as possible.

The Man’s Soul

This is your passion. Your need to create something. This is a challenge for many men but its rewards are incredible for your well-being and sense of pride. We, men, like to be proud of our accomplishments. SO get out and create something. Maybe it’s a blog or a podcast or a youtube channel. Then again it may be that you have a hunger for drawing and painting. Maybe it is building a business or a charitable organization. Who knows till you start looking. Need help The Brotherhood of Men can do just that

The Man’s Community

This is your band of brothers. A network of strong masculine men who are there to help you become the best husband possible. This is also the network of people in your community, your church, or a civic organization like the Lions club. Start getting out and meeting people, making friends and close acquaintances. 

With this, you will be well on your way to becoming the best husband your wife could ever ask for. She will be more willing to be intimate with you and she will be more excited when you get home. So what are you waiting for? Get started.

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About Bryan Goodwin

I like being able to help people find their "why" and achieve the personal freedom they desire. Besides writing for Relaxed Male I also am a life coach. By helping men find the leader that is found in each and every one of us. I do this by encouraging men to get outdoors and find the balance they are missing. Realize that they need to be in contact with the outside as often as they can. It is not only good for them but for their families and relationships.

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