One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is trying to state that it is just how we are.
I can’t help it that is just how I am.
How many different people have you heard say that? How many people have you heard say that very line? Many times it is uttered by people who are playing the victim to sound as big as possible, even though they are playing small. “That is just how they are.” Is often heard when someone is confronted about a less than pleasant personality trait.
Other people dont want to change because they see that they are not able to. They have convinced themselves that they are doomed to the life they currently live and this is the farthest from the truth
Now, this post isn’t to complain about anybody in particular but I have been hearing it more and more and I want o point out that this is completely false. You can change you can be different. If you want. That is the big key. You have to want to change the habit, the anger, the victim mindset. You are not Rob McKenna, it really doesn’t rain all the time.
Why do people not want to change?
The reasons why people don’t want to change are just as numerous as there are people. You can put a more general category over most folks and see exactly why people who refuse to change. I have seen myself in several categories as to why I was resisting making a change.
Change is scary
Whether it is for a New Years Resolution or You have a significant other who is wanting you do become a better person. We struggle with changing. The biggest reason is we are scared of change. From all the way back in caveman days, we saw change as an uncertain time. Often it meant that we were about to have an extended period of discomfort. That is exactly what you experience event today, discomfort. You stumble. You fail. There is a chance you will fall on your face in front of a huge crowd. We don’t want to be seen as weak or incompetent. Nobody wants to be looked at as the fool.
We avoid change out of the unknown as to what will happen. Yet this is when we need to use fear as a compass. It used to be fear would tell us that we had a man-eating lion in our vicinity but not many lions in Manhattan or even your small town in Texas. Wynnewood, Oklahoma is a different matter altogether but that’s because Carol Baskin now owns the zoo.
We don’t know what is going to happen to us if we change. Are we going to lose who we are? You have seen countless movies talking about how people lose who they are if they make a big change. Your friends are alienated. People look at you differently. There are a whole lot of what if’s You never lose yourself. You are always in your head. You know where you are at all times.
Those unknown times are just your amygdala trying to keep you safe. It is making up all these wild possibilities that never really happen. You are not going to be kidnapped by a bunch of terrorists walking across the street. The fears we have don’t serve you nor do they make you better. When they keep you safe but in your safe zone you don’t grow. You don’t become a better stronger more resilient person.
Lack of Maturity
Many times we avoid making changes because we are simply not emotionally mature enough to decide to go through the rough unknown. People don’t realize that falling on your face is not that bad. Yeah, your prie may be hurt but in the grand scheme of things, it is actually something you can laugh at.
We often don’t want the maturity that comes with change. If you want to grow up as any dad who has brought home their new baby boy. You grow up insanely fast in those first 6 months of no sleep. You find out that you can survive life when it comes at you in a season. You never fully understand that the pain of change isn’t permanent. You go without sleep for the longest 6 months of your life and suddenly junior sleep’s through the night you find the experience so weird and alien. You suffered through the unpleasant changes before even when you didn’t want to.
Look at COVID, that was a huge change and now you see that it wasn’t as bad as we feared. We often grow up and see that the panic wasn’t worth the trouble.
You like victimhood
As odd as it sounds many people get comfortable with playing the victim. Now as always I will put the differentiator of there are real victims and there are habitual victims. I am talking about the habitual victim. They cry victim at any opportunity they can find. Their wife rebuffed their advances Victim! You weren’t given the right change! They stole from me on purpose! Someone says something you don’t like. I’m offended! You bought a crappy product from Wish. The corporations are taking advantage of me!
You see where I am going right. Those people who are always in trouble. Always in a bind. Those are the habitual victims. Sadly many won’t make the needed change of taking responsibility for their actions because they want to play the victim. They believe it is serving them to not get respect. It is perpetuating them to look like they can’t control their surroundings.
We all fall into that mindset. I have played the victim more than I want to admit. It is challenging to take responsibility for my actions at times. But like everybody else, it gets easier and easier the more you work at making the changes. Yet that is only if you are willing to take responsibility for being a victim. Because yes the vast majority of the time it is your fault.
You will Fail
So many people who resist change or changing who they see themselves as. are afraid of failing. The funny thing is that they are failing by not doing. You will fail by not doing. If you want to become the better man, if you want to have a stronger connection with your son, you have to make changes. You will fail many many times. But with each failure, you get stronger. Yeah, that failure isn’t fun at the time but it is the discomfort you are needing at that time to become that better dad you are wanting to be.
One of the best examples of this is lifting weights. When you lift a weight you are stressing your muscle fibers to the point that they break down, or till they fail. Your body then comes in and repairs those broken fibers with new fibers and then to keep that level of failure to a minimum it overcompensates and adds more fibers. That is one reason your muscles get sore, and that is why you get stronger. All due to the fact that failing makes you a stronger person. Yet if you don’t decide to change you will fail at the test life is giving you.
We often feel as if the failure is only to us. To a point you re right. Yet we all fail. From babies learning to walk to kids learning to ride a bike. We all fail even when it comes to putting your key in the lock. You miss each time until you are able to insert it and give it a turn. If you have a lock like mine it takes a few tries in turning the key to get the door unlocked.
The change will cause you to lose friends.
This is often the scariest of reasons why we will not make a change. Not only will you become a different person. You will also cause some friends to fall to the wayside. This can be hard. We would like our friends to join us in becoming a better person. Yet these old friends have their own challenges and failures to face. We can try to help them but as you see they have to make the choice to do the work themselves. The mindset shifts you make cause you to lose the ability to relate to some old friends. As you become better and stronger, you will have to leave some friends behind. Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them ever again it just means that they don’t have the same influence and impact as they once did.
The important part to understand is that you will not be friendless in this, which is what our mind wants us to think. You will find and develop more friends to take their place. Your new friends mesh with the newer you and as you get better those friends will fade out and you will have newer friends in their place.
We really don’t want our old friends who refuse to change in our life. Yeah, they are fun but they can and will hold you back from the success and goals you are seeking. Think back in high school you don’t talk to your old chums as much as you use to. You may follow them on Facebook but you really are not a part of their life anymore. If so you could possibly be on a completely different path than what you are on. People naturally change they grow up some develop harmful habits while others become more successful. You have your own path to walk and your new friends know what it is like to be on your path. So yes friends come and go and you grow with them.
How do you start making a change?
So maybe you have decided to start making some significant changes in your life. You see what fears and obstacles are laying ahead of you. You are ready to shift you see why you are needing to make the changes you are after. How do you start those changes?
Have a plan
The path you take and what part of you, you are wanting to change depends entirely upon you. Nobody has to power to say what you have to change. So if you see that you need to get your body in shape before you start making your marriage better then ok that is your choice.
The key though is to have a plan. Write it out and review it on a regular basis. If you just jump into something all willy nilly then you are going to become overwhelmed and you are not going to be as focused as you would if you did lay out the steps you are needing to achieve your goal.
Making a plan will help you see your path of change in better order than just going here, then here, then here, and then there. Like the sunlight, you get more energy when you focus it. Spread out does a little good but you can get more done when you focus. And get one thing at a time done. It is very much a slow down to speed up, type of thing.
Ask yourself powerful questions
Our minds are a computer. They are searching for all the answers to the questions you ask yourself. Why are you fat? It will find all the reasons why you are fat. Yet if you ask how can I lose weight you will find a better answer that better serves you.
So look at asking good powerful questions. Yes, I am giving you permission to talk to yourself and yes you will answer yourself from time to time. That is just fine.
Envision The Destination
What does the end of your path look like? When you are wanting to make a change, this is an important step to take. Think of what your goal will be and how it will benefit you. Then get specific. Think of all the small details of your success. How will it feel smell, taste? Then start talking and acting as if you have already achieved your success.
Doing this will help you to get your mindset to be in alignment with your goal. If your mindset is off then you will start self-sabotaging your efforts. This in itself will cause you to fail.
Commit to change
If you are going to improve yourself, you have to commit to that change. Doing it half-assed won’t do you any good. You will put off the hard work. Your heart won’t even really be in it. It is almost like you are lying to yourself about the change you are wanting to make. So take the time and commit.
Get a coach
If you want to get a fast track on change and know what barriers you are going to face? Then you want to make the investment of getting a coach. Yeah, they can be pricey sometimes but they offset help in being an accountability partner. The person who will push you to get out of your comfort zone and stop living small. A good coach will push you to make those hard choices. While helping you shift your mindset. Getting the right coach is like strapping a success rocket to your back and get you to where you want to be by shortcutting all the stumbling and wandering you would normally do.
Join a mastermind.
If one on one coaching isn’t your thing you can also have the help of a group of people who can get together and help you. These groups are often called masterminds. These people in the group want to see you succeed at your goals and to do so they will push you to get uncomfortable. They will press you as to why you didn’t complete your goals your set for yourself. They succeed because you succeed. You are also likely to find people who are in the very same boat as you are. This camaraderie helps you to not feel as if you are going at your change alone.
There are several masterminds you can choose from some are free and some are paid. So you can often find a mastermind group that will fit you the best. From Aaron Walker’s Iron SHarpens iron group to Order of Man’s Iron Council to The Conclave of Men Group that Is run on this site.
Mastermind groups offer a lot of what coaching offers but you don’t have the one on one intensity that comes with coaching. Either way you wan to you have a choice of ways you can accelerate your changes.
So what changes do you want to make? Leave me a comment below and share what you are working on.