There are discussions about how you have a connection with other people. These connections are needed for both a healthy relationship and the ability to allow others access to who they are.
The problem many people face is that as they interact with other people, some folks will use them for their own selfish gains, and with no regard for the person they are using. This is the issue of where some people want to claim that they have received trauma. They were taken advantage of and used, all because they didn’t have good boundaries. So instead of clearly marking off their space, they just build walls around the places they perceive to be hurt and then wonder why they feel miserable and nobody will interact with them.
The problem here is that people are using walls instead of boundaries in their lives. The best example is to use the land and property as an analogy.
Many people who are codependent or such have a plot of land, they don’t know where their land ends and their neighbor’s land begins. Many times, they will have neighbors who will start using a bit of their own land.
So this codependent person willingly gives up portions of their land. While their neighbor just helps themselves to as much land as they can take. So, through the years of people taking some of the land and leaving, then somebody else coming in and taking the land and leaving, there is a huge grey zone where the actual property boundary lies.
The original owner of the land doesn’t know that the other people don’t care because they have free access to all this free land.
So what happens to many codependent people is that they see people taking to trashing their land, and resenting that these neighbors are just helping themselves, they defensively put up walls.
Instead of actually laying out the proper boundary lines of the property. And you start to see why walls are so bad, and boundaries are so good.
Walls Block connection
When you build a wall, it is usually big and thick and darn near impenetrable, except for one small, tiny door set somewhere in that wall. You also give up so much of your land because walls are a defensive measure.
We used to build walls to protect ourselves from raiders, barbarians, and other people who would take our stuff. In today’s terms, our walls are not so much rock and cement with high ramparts, but emotional defenses.
We put up walls to keep people from getting too close. Walls are a victim mindset in that they are afraid that people will actually get too close. We don’t wanna take the chance of opening ourselves up and letting the rotting horde come in and destroy the last of our humanity.
Because of this, these walls make us unapproachable. Think of times you see the big castle, they weren’t meant to be inviting. They were meant to try to keep the citizens of the kingdom, more specifically the king and his army, safe. Emotional walls try to do the same thing, but for the wrong reason.
You see, emotional walls are put up because people are afraid to experience the full range of emotions available to them. It’s too uncomfortable to take the chance, so it’s better just to keep the person away. It seems safer not to try. And that’s why those people who have emotional walls up feel so lonely. They don’t wanna try building new relationships. They don’t wanna try to grow emotionally because those emotions are scary and uncomfortable. We want just the good, happy emotions without having to experience the unpleasant, uncomfortable emotions. This prevents them from experiencing the good emotions because they’re not allowing themselves the full range of emotions available to a person when they are in a relationship.
Yes, when you mix humans together with emotions, you get messy. Flat out every single time. People have thoughts that they misinterpret actions. They have emotional outbursts over weird and trivial things. Yet when you allow for the walls to come down and you open yourself up to those scary Possible interactions, you find the pleasant emotions are just a little bit sweeter. Yes, you have the unwanted emotions at the same time. However, that is just a package deal of being a human being.
You see, walls are just really terrible defensive mechanisms. Because they prevent people from expanding. These are hard, concrete limits as to how far a person can grow. Is there any wonder why a person who has emotional walls built up around their life is so miserable? They are intentionally denying themselves a full experience in life.
Boundaries Build connection
Now the difference between walls and boundaries is the boundaries are lines that are enforced. You have property in the front of your house and it doesn’t mean there’s a wall in front of the house. People are still able to come in and leave freely but they know that is your front yard. They know this is your side yard. This is your backyard. This is your house sitting in the middle of your property.
Boundaries are well laid out, and the issue that you run into with a boundary is that people are going to try to encroach on those boundaries. The difference between walls and boundaries is that you have the power and the insight of your own self to enforce that boundary. Someone wants to build their house on your portion of the property. You actually can say no, they can’t build on your property.
Yes, it takes mental fortitude to maintain your boundary. You have to actually advocate for yourself when it comes to your boundaries. Boundaries are so healthy because they give you a sense of power. You have a sense of self when you enforce your boundaries.
When you have well-laid-out boundaries, the marauding wards may try to come in, but you have the ability to say no, you get to be Gandolf and slam your stick down and say you shall not pass! This applies to everybody in your life. This allows other people to have access to the great and wonderful person you are. Because there is no wall, just a little door. You now have a front yard that people can come onto, yes, they can even access through the sidewalk, but at least your house is a lot more inviting than this big huge gray wall, with a sign that says keep out.
Yes, many people are afraid of the fact that you have to work to maintain your boundaries. People will always try to push those boundaries. And if you fall into a victim mindset, you’re gonna let them win. However, if you keep your power with you, they will know what the Consequences of their actions will be. It may be that you stop the visit at that moment, and though you just drove four hours, you packed the wife and the kids back in the car, and you tell your mom and dad, “Sorry, we’ll try again in a month,” and you drive back home. It may be that you’d say to your boss, know I’ve got my child’s piano recital that I need to go to, no matter how much they try to emotionally manipulate you, you can say no you have that power. All because you decided to maintain boundaries instead of just building up a wall and being the scared little hermit in a tower.
