Now, a little bit of backstory, because I take inspiration from all the folks around me, and I had a young man who made a very poignant statement a couple of days ago. They said,
I just want someone who wants me, is that so hard to ask for?
And I replied with the question
“How do you make yourself that desirable?”
And so I saw this question as an answer that a lot of you may want to know. It could help you in many different ways apart from finding a long-lasting, meaningful relationship. How do you make yourself desirable not only to a potential girlfriend/wife but to everybody else around you? How do you make yourself desirable to potential employers? How do you make yourself desirable to high-value friends?
The TLDR is you have to do the work and increase your value to other people. Is it that straightforward? What can you provide to other people now? If you want the details, keep reading.
How to be more desirable
How do you increase your desirability to other people? You will see so many people come up with so many crappy answers to this question. From just being myself, I have to please everybody. The answer is no. People respond to how they think of you. There is a model that allows you to become more desirable.
The model is this,
You have a circumstance
This is an event. That’s all, it is not a good event. It is not a bad event. It is just the straight-up facts about something that happened in your life. The circumstances in your life are nothing more than neutral until you apply a thought to them. Examples of this are movies that you and your friends have watched. You watched them at the exact same time in the same theater, and you loved it, and your friend hated it. Did y’all watch two separate shows and watch the same movie at the exact same time, but you had different thoughts about it?
Another example is 9/11. Many people in the US thought it was a terrible, horrible, no good, awful thing. I personally think it was the tragedy of all tragedies in my life. Yet those are just my thoughts on the circumstances around what happened on September 11. On the other side of the ocean in the Middle East, there were people holding celebrations because of what happened. If September 11 was truly a horrible thing that happened. It stands to reason that everybody would think the same thought, but they don’t.
So no, even if you wind up having a flat tire on your way to the most highly paid job you’ve ever had in your life, that flat tire is just a flat tire. It is just an event. It does not mean that your life sucks. It does not mean that you’ve had an incredible fortune. It just means you had a flat tire.
You have a thought
Now, what are your thoughts about whatever event is happening in your life? You do not have a boyfriend or girlfriend, what are you making that mean about you? Maybe you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who does not react the way you would like them to react. Again, what are you making that mean about you?
Your boss yelled at you. What are you making that mean? These meanings are the thoughts that create a cascading effect that leads to either the result that you do want or the result that you don’t want.
The main point in this first step is to understand what your thoughts are. It’s not easy to do because we have 60,000 thoughts today, many of which are on autopilot. So you have to actually start being present and paying attention to what your thoughts actually are.
The thought creates an emotion.
Now, many people sadly like to wander around and think that emotions just hit you out of the blue. And I am here to tell you, no, they don’t. They come from a thought that you have. Do you feel unappreciated by your boss? Well, that is just your thoughts that created that feeling of unappreciation. It’s not the facts that your boss said you did a good job. Your thoughts were that he didn’t say it with enough enthusiasm to have you believe that he appreciated you.
You walked into the bedroom, and your girlfriend just let out a big sigh. What are you making that mean? The circumstances that she said you had a thought, and now you feel like she is getting tired of you, or the thought is that you think she’s getting tired of you, and so you feel let down.
You see, most of our suffering comes from our thoughts about a circumstance. Doesn’t mean that we are right or wrong, just means that’s the thought that we had. If you want to become more desirable, you have to first decide what desirable means. How does somebody show up as desirable?
That emotion creates an action.
Your emotions create your actions, so again, if you’re feeling underappreciated by your boss, you may just quit. Is that a good action? I don’t know, it might be, it might not be, that’s completely up to you to decide, but when you have a feeling you’re going to take action. The problem most people have is that they run from their feelings. They avoid them. Especially, if they’re unwanted feelings, we would like to stay horny all the time. We like to stay happy all the time, but that doesn’t always happen. There’s also Sadness, underwhelmed, anxiety, anger, stress, boredom, and many, many more emotions that we would avoid. And because we feel these particular emotions, this is where we get ourselves into a lot of different troubles.
This is where many addictions actually come from because we have unmanaged coping mechanisms for a particular emotional response.
So we don’t have to feel anxiety and other things often in relationships. We won’t say anything, and that’s the worst thing you can do. Voice your thoughts and stand boldly in the conflict, and you will find that the discomfort is just an emotion. Don’t kill you. They don’t hurt you. They are just feelings felt throughout the body that are created by a thought.
That action creates a result.
We often wonder why we don’t get what we want. Well, because our thoughts keep us from getting the results we want in our lives. You wanna be more desirable? What thoughts are you having? That’s keeping you from being desirable? What does desirable even mean? Is that your definition, or is that your girlfriend‘s definition? If you are not being desirable, then what is it going to take for you to become desirable?
You say you have to take action. You have to do all the work to be the person you wanna be. You wanna be more desirable just to get a good-looking check? Then you need to make sure that you are the highest value and the most desirable man that she knows. You wanna be the most desirable woman then again you have to do the very same thing you have to be the highest value and I hate to tell you this but if you’re a woman and you’re struggling to find a valuable man sleeping with him just decreases your value yeah that’s that’s the center society has sold you a bad bill goods.
Increase your value
Now I’m going to point a lot of this towards men, and we touch on women from time to time, but how do you increase your value? You raise your value monetarily because women want security and resources. How do you increase your value? If you are partaking in Assorted substances? That’s not helping you. That’s keeping your value low. So you need to find ways of increasing your value, and you do that. We’ll talk about those four pillars down the road.
Right now, just know that to increase your value, you have to work and you have to work a lot, and you have to not stop working, and you have to have a reason to be working. Your days off go away. You have your work days, you have your work for you.
Who you are working for is always you until you have a wife, and then you’re working for your wife and your kids. You are to be a highly valued man. That’s what being highly valued is: you are providing a major service for those people around you, not just your wife, not just your kids, but your wife, your kids, your neighbors, your community.
There are other aspects that you wanna make sure you hold yourself to that also increase your value. This goes for both men and women.
Have standards
Who are you? Sounds like a simple question, but many people actually don’t have a good answer. What do you stand for? What are your standards in life? Why do you have those standards?
Make up your mind and choose three things you stand for. Truth, justice, and the American way, not Superman. OK, they’re at least something. Don’t worry about them being permanent. But you don’t wanna be changing them every other hour either. You want to know what you stand for, and if you need help with that, start doing some Google searches on how to set standards. There are plenty of blog posts out there that help you do this.
If you need help, here is one post I made about setting standards.
What are your core values?
With setting standards, there’s also your core values. Honesty, timeliness, hard-working, trustworthy, and true.
You can set your core values, and they’re not hard. There are actually lists of core values out there on the Internet, and all you have to do is find 3 to 5 that resonate with you deeply. Choose those, write them down, and carry them around with you. Make a wallpaper for your phone so that you see him every time you pull your phone out, and let those values become ingrained as who you are.
Mind the integrity gap.
Now, one of the traps that you will face, especially if you are brand new to building up your integrity and your sense of self and is that you will start tripping over the integrity gap. Say you are a man of honesty, and you just told a lie, you’re now out of integrity with who you are, so you have to find a way to rebuild that integrity, and most of the time it’s by going to the person you lied to and telling them the truth.
Some people will say, rightfully, that guilt is just the lack of integrity. When you are not being truthful to who you are, that’s where you find yourself in trouble, and you have fallen into the integrity gap. To be a man of integrity, you hold yourself true to your core values, your standards, and you do what you can to not waiver.
Start your day earlier.
This one will sound like an old man telling you something, and well, I am an old man, and so yeah, get up earlier. Set your alarm for 6:30 7 o’clock if you work during the day, you know how long it takes for you to get ready how long it takes for you to get from your house to your place of employment and you know how hard it is for you to wake up when you’ve been up late at night. I know I’ve been late many, many times, yelled at many, many times, and gotten fired several times because I was late.
The astonishing fact of the matter is that I was late because I chose to be late, but I did not wanna face the truth that I chose to be late. I wanted to play the victim and if there’s any truth in this letter today, it is that nobody gives a rats ass about a victim
So start your day earlier. Get up and start your day with the thought that this is gonna be a good day. You’re going to get up earlier when you go to bed you’re going to tell yourself I’m getting up at this time and set as many alarms as you think you need so that you get your butt out of bed at that time
envision who you would have to be to be desired.
So, back to the original question of how do you become more desirable? Well, first off, that word, if you break it down, is desire-able. It is an emotion, as mentioned before, but something I didn’t mention is that nobody else can feel that emotion other than you. Your emotions are your emotions, so if you wanna be able to feel desired, that’s completely up to you.
Yet, if you want to show how much value you provide to the person you are dating or the potential person you’re dating, you have to start using your imagination. If you were that desirable man, what would that look like?
Get detailed about it. How would you look?
How would you act?
Get as granular as you possibly can. Write that person down, that is who you are going to become, and still you will be true to yourself. You can’t be anybody other than yourself, so you’re not going to shortchange yourself at all because there’s only one you. You try to be anybody else, and they’re already taken, so you can only be yourself.
How do you have to show up to be attractive to that person?
Once you have that person in mind, then it’s time to start looking at how you show up as that high-value value desirable person. This is where you combine your core values, your standards with the ideal woman you want in your life. What does she look like? How does she act?
Then sprinkle in what you believe you need to show up (ie, This is where your authentic person shines through).
Pay attention to the shit you tell yourself.
Know that what you believe about yourself is just a belief. That can be changed. I believe nothing more than what I thought was perceived to be true. So you can change what you believe about yourself. Do you tell yourself you’re somebody who doesn’t read books? If so, you can change that. If you are telling yourself that you suck at relationships then you’re going to show up sucking at relationships. If you think you’re undesirable, then you’re going to show up as somebody who is not desirable. So pay attention to the shit you’re telling yourself.
There’s that acronym of WYSIWYG that means what you see is what you get. If you don’t like something about yourself, then change that. You can and are able to change. You are not set in concrete. You can be whatever you want to be. Even if you’re 70 years old, you can be what you wanna be.
You wanna start writing, then write! Do you wanna run a marathon at 70? You can actually still do that. There’s a 100-year-old woman running marathons. It may not be realistic to think you can break the 2 1/2 hour mark; there are perceived limitations that you have to fight through. But again, people thought it was impossible to run a four-minute mile till Roger Bannister did it. So just because everybody else believes in something doesn’t mean you have to believe in it too.
The key part is that you have to believe in the thoughts you’re telling yourself. A lot of people these days wanna sit around and think, well, I can’t because I’m an introvert. Give you a hint, there’s no such thing as an introvert. There’s no such thing as an extrovert. There are people who don’t wanna meet other people. If you wanna find a woman, then guess what you’re going to have to find: start meeting people, you’re going to have to become a people person, or relegate yourself to being a hermit.
Pay attention to the stories and the excuses that you give as to why you can’t do something.
You get to keep all the limitations you fight for.
Set and hold boundaries.
An item that will increase your value because it goes along with your standards and your core values is to learn to set and hold boundaries. You do not let anybody run over those set boundaries. Not parents, kids, grandparents, or bosses, you hold to your boundaries. This improves your mental strength, but also shows people that when you say something, you’re serious and you’re not going to waiver. This bill is trust and loyalty for those who work with you.
Nobody likes a nice guy.
The opposite of holding boundaries is a nice gap. This is a guy who just tries to help everybody be damned about their own mental health and physical health. They don’t have thoughts of their own because they’re too busy making sure that they incorporate everybody else’s interests outside of their own.
Nice guys and nice girls are also known as people pleasers, and people pleasers are liars. They don’t have anything that they stand for; they are easily pulled over. They are also taken advantage of because they do not stand up for themselves.
Get out there and find the person of your dreams.
Another thing you will have to do, and this is the scary part. If you actually have to go out and find the woman of your dreams. You have to go out, take the time and the effort to spend the money. Spend the energy to meet all of the people that you don’t like. Go on dates to find out that that really good-looking chick is really Flippin’ shallow. Find that mediocre 4 1/2 five girl that doesn’t have her dress on point, but it’s kind of funny and she’s cute in her own weird nerdy way, actually, except you for who you are, and she likes you because of that.
But to do that, you have to actually go out on dates. You have to put yourself out there and get told no; you’ll have to ask 300 times to get 100 dates.
You can find the woman that you adore and who finds you desirable by going out on 100 dates, or maybe you go out on 90 dates in three months. That sounds scary, doesn’t it, but you can do that and you don’t even have to spend 1 million bucks to do so either.
What is your definition of a date? Doesn’t necessarily have to be a steak dinner. A date may be going to a park if y’all walk and talk. It may be that y’all go to a free outdoor jazz festival. It may be that you are both volunteering at a soup kitchen. There are millions of different types of dates that a potential girlfriend can go on. But again, set boundaries when you’re going on dates, don’t sleep with her on the first night.
Don’t shack up and don’t sleep around.
Don’t sleep with a potential girlfriend on the third date. Hold off for six months, even better if you can hold off from sleeping with her for a year. Truly date and get to truly know each other in that year. Don’t have her move in. Don’t move in with her either.
There are several interesting things that happen when you do that. Once your relationship isn’t one of emotional centeredness. Relationships are based on emotions that never last. Because it’ll always swing when one person is happy. The other person is not happy, and so you never have a firm footing for your relationship to grow on. Instead, get the relationship growing and developing based on similar interests. Is she driven to have her own business? Are you driven to have your own business too? Awesome, maybe y’all can team up and help each other have a business. You can find something y’all are both interested in having. But asking questions is the key to all relationships. Ask questions, have discussions, and be OK with what the responses are going to be.
But it makes that very, very difficult if you are too busy getting naked and sleeping with each other. You will miss the red flags that tell you that this is a good partner to have. You will miss the warnings that she points to because y’all are just wrapped up in the emotion of lust and orgasms instead of really learning fully about the other person. So don’t sleep with a brand new girl. That makes you more valuable. She becomes more valuable when she doesn’t sleep with other men either.
Your 4 pillars
Now this last little section is something all men, if they want to be highly valued, highly desirable men, need to work on. You can’t keep all of them maxed out all the time, but you always wanna be working on them at different parts of your life. I call these the four pillars of The Relaxed Male, and if you want to be truly desirable, you’ll work on these four pillars as often as you possibly can.
Work on your mind
Most people, as soon as they leave school, stop learning. The sad part of that is that when you stop learning, you start dying. You become set in your ways, and you become unattractive to everybody. You need to keep learning. That means reading books if you don’t want to read a book. Listen to podcasts, find something you’re interested in, and go to conferences about that interest. How can you utilize that interest in what you do at work? If you become an expert in something that can be utilized, you increase the value of not only yourself but also of the department you are in.
When you’re learning and you find something you’re passionate about, there’s a light about you. When you continue to grow and learn, you increase the options that you have. You increase your abundant mindset, you get rid of the scarcity mindset, and you find out that you’re grateful for a lot more in your life.
So, read more books using Audible. It’s only $15 a month. Yeah, you may have to drop Netflix. You’re not hurting yourself by dropping. Trust me that shit does rot your brain. Start making your own coffee instead of going to Starbucks again that shit will rot your gut.
Worked on your body
How much exercise do you get? How many highly processed ultra-processed foods do you eat? I guarantee to you that those dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ultra-processed. They are not natural. When was the last time you ate a meal that was not served wrapped in paper? What was the last meal that you actually had to cook yourself that didn’t come in a cardboard box? Did that kind of meat actually have a name, or was it shaped? Did you eat a whole piece of fruit or just something that was fruit-flavored?
Garbage in and garbage out. When you’re filling your body up with ultra-processed foods, you’re going to have problems with your health. People wanna try to blame gluten for their digestive problems. What is the fact that white flower is so processed that they’re barely even considered flowers? They’ve taken the brand and the nutritional value out of the flower; they bleached it because it wasn’t the right color. They added flavor to it in an artificial way because the flavor was taken out with the brand, so no wonder bread is giving you the trots, you’re not actually eating bread. So pay attention to what you’re eating and also get out. Start walking exercise. Get your heart rate up. You have better thoughts when you’re sucking and more oxygen than when you’re just sitting in front of a television playing a video game. You’re more attractive when you’re in shape. There’s a reason why Captain America looked better after he was transformed than he did before. Women like men who are in shape. Women who say they like soft, rounded men are lying to your face. The moment they can get themselves ripped and shredded, good luck and hunk to pay attention to them, they will go to them, so don’t buy the lie that the woman doesn’t care about how you look, they do care, and you need to start caring too.
Work on your purpose.
What are you excited about? A lot of people love to talk about you. Need to find my purpose these days, and I was one of those for a long time. But I’ve started to shift from that line of thinking over to what you are interested in? What if you started pursuing your interests more completely? What if you let loose all abandon and decided you’re going to know everything about whatever it is that interests you? Maybe that’s something to do with work, maybe you take an interest in your job so that you know everything about it. You show up completely differently when you show up with excitement. You show up with a light about you when you’re taking an interest in what’s going on around you. You take an interest in something specific, and your attention gets even more focused, and that way, you become even more driven to learn more about that aspect.
Men need something to pursue. Yes, we want to pursue our wives even after we’ve dated them for three years and just been married for four. You still pursue your wife as if she were your girlfriend, and you pursue a good life for yourself. You pursue a good life for your family, you pursue everything that you take an interest in, and you do it doggedly as if you do not give up.
Work on your friend group.
What are your friend groups like? Many men, after they get out of high school, may have one friend, if they’re lucky, they have two, but most of the time there’s like. Oh, I’ve got a bunch of online friends. No, I mean friends are juicy on a regular basis. How many of those guys do you see in person? How many of those guys do you see in person on a weekly basis? That’s where the scary answers start coming in.
You need a band of Brothers. That is a group of guys that y’all go out and y’all do something together on a weekly basis. Maybe only for 34 hours at a time, but that’s all y’all need where y’all are standing shoulder to shoulder doing something together. You don’t have to talk; you actually don’t even need to sit in the circle. Men don’t communicate in circles. They communicate information. We talk and communicate, and become more masculine as we are with other men.
You need a group of friends that you can turn to when you have a rough point in your life. These are times that even though you adore and love your wife dearly, there are things you cannot tell your wife, but you do share with your male friends in your life. It’s not that the woman doesn’t understand; that’s just how men are. There are things your wife or girlfriend has gone through in her life that she doesn’t tell you. That’s because men and women communicate differently. They connect with the same sex in a completely different fashion than with their spouse or girlfriend.
The power of higher-quality friends
One highly important aspect of your friends, though, is not that you need to have higher-quality friends. If you’ve got a bunch of friends who sit around getting stoned all the time and don’t act like they care about anything, you’re hanging around the wrong group. But they’re my friends, you may state, and that’s true. They are your friends, but you also need to have friends who will compel you to be better. Find guys who are a couple of steps higher than you in the direction that you want to improve in. Start talking with them and become their friends. If they’re not working out as a friend, OK, then dump them and find someone who does fit with the direction you wanna go. Increase that influence in your life. If you want to become wealthier, then find someone who has more money and start learning how they look at money compared to how you look at money. You want to become a better leader, so find someone who is a natural leader already and learn from them and learn from their influence. What do you want to improve in, and add a friend that is who you wanna learn from?
Make plans and then take action.
Finally, above all else, if you want to become more desirable, you wanna become higher valued. You have to start making plans, not just planning. Do not be just a dreamer because if you’re a dreamer, you’re a nobody. Be a doer, make plans, and then do the hardest thing possible in your head and start taking action to get that plan executed. You will go farther than 90% of everybody in the world when you stop talking and start doing.
