Question of the week by The Brotherhood of Men
What do does it mean to hold space? You may have heard people say this from time to time and it sounds a bit odd. Holding space. How could one possilbly hold space for yourself or anybody else? That is what I want to actually help you understand this week. How do you hold space for anybody including yourself?
What do I mean by holding space? In a nutshell holding space is not acting right off the bad. We jump in to help our wives when they are having a hard day. We are trying to fix a problem and in reality they dont want us to fix it they want us to help hold space for them.
Holding space is just being there for the other person. You can also call it being present. be fully with a person, not just sit by them and think of the camping trip. Holding space mean you are present in mind body and with emotions. This is something us guys have a hard time doing because we are looking for a solutions we are fixers. Yet as a skill it helps us to connect with our wifes on a deeper level. It provides us with the ability to help her feel emotionally safe. When our wives feel emotionally and physically safe they are more receptive to wanting to be frisky.
Many times when we are not holding space we make comments that cause our spouse or kid to feel judged and though there are times and places to for placing judgment on an activity it isn’t when someone is being emotionally vulnerable and needing your help.
So how do you hold space for someone or even yourself?
Focus your listening
Hear what they are saying many times we hear with our own thoughts. This can be a challenging task, and to keep focused on what and how a person is saying something can really be a challenge. Yet if you can develop the skill of being present and listening you can make strides that man men fail at doing.
Stay out of problem solving mode
Yes men it isn’t about the nail. Guys we know all about this and we feel the man if that classick video “It’s Not about the Nail” This hits both sides of the man and woman dynamic so well. She knows theres a nail in her forehead but she doesn’t want to have the nail removed she wants to talk about it.
That is what its like to not jump to fix it mode. just hear what your son or your wife is saying and connect with them on a different level instead of just running into a room with your tool belt on.
Take yourself out of the equation
What would you do if you were in their shoes? Well in all reality it doesn’t matter. Your experience would be completely different than your wife’s experience. If you want to understand what she is talking about sit and listen and take yourself out of the equation. even is you are a part of the equation put a blank placeholder in your stead. Remove yourself for the story and look at it brom a third party perspective.
Hold back the judging
THis can be tough. Hear what they have to say get all the evidence first. Then don’t just point out their shortcoming right off the bat. You may help lead them to the point where they take responsibility for their part of the scenario. Jumping in and say “I don’t believe you” is like taking what they are saying wading iit up and wiping your back side with it and then tossing it in the trash. Hold off on the judging them while you are holding space.
Notice the emotions you feel
You are going to experience different emotions as the other person is talking. Notice them and turn back to the person. You don’t have to act on that emotion right away.