One of the affirmations I chose for this year brought up the question of the day, and it is “I deserve to be happy”. Do I really deserve to be happy? How about you? Do you deserve to be happy? Many people would state it as a fact that “Yeah they do deserve to be happy”. With that statement, I am going to disagree with how that statement is commonly interpreted. That is because, in reality, you don’t really deserve to be happy.
Now before you decide that I have already ruined your New Year. Why try if I’m saying that you don’t deserve to be happy I want to make sure to give you the full reason why and believe me this is actually a positive message so hear me out before you start throwing in the towel and going into your closet and crying the year away.
You don’t deserve to be happy
Many if not most folks say I deserve to be happy and mean it as the world should be making them happy. The world be it their family spouse or community and seems even to act like their country should be making them happy. This sadly is not the case. For several reasons that I will be going into primarily being happy isn’t a right. Being happy all the time is actually impractical and rather boring. We were granted a huge range of emotions, and to be stuck with only one would honestly suck. What makes happiness so great? It is the contrast of sorrow, frustration, anxiety, grief, Stress, overwhelm, inadequate, feeling worthless and all the other negative emotions we as humans feel.
Life is 50/50. 50% of life is pain and other negative emotions, while the other 50% is positive emotions. To have the highs you have to have to experience the lows. To deny yourself the experience of the negative emotions is, in reality, doing yourself a tremendous disservice. You aren’t allowing yourself to grow. “Dealing” with emotions is like a muscle. It has to be worked out. You have to allow sorrow to wash over you. You have to experience that emotion. If you do, you will be able to voice a name to that emotion. You can say I am feeling vulnerable and alone. You can see that that feeling is nothing but a vibration being felt. If you really start examining your feelings, you will see that only you will be able to feel those emotions.
Another issue with thinking that you deserve to be happy is that you give up the responsibility of your emotions. When thinking that your spouse should make you happy, you are saying that you are not going to control your emotions and you hand your controls over to somebody who is having trouble handling their own emotions. This is often why divorce happens. The husband doesn’t take control of his emotions and the wife is expecting him to control her emotions. Then both wonder why they aren’t in a constant state of euphoria a year down the road. That is because both the man and the woman are expecting the other to start using the controls. With that unhappiness, they take that “I deserve” mindset, the owner of the emotions isn’t willing to take control of what they feel. Therefore, they drown the uncontrolled emotions by going out and having an extramarital affair or dive headfirst into an emotion deadening addiction.
Emotions are created by you
So thinking that you deserve other people to make you happy will never work. Your emotions are created by your thoughts. Events that happen spark a thought. That thought generates the emotion you feel. That emotion causes you to take action while that action produces your result. So if you are expecting your wife to “Make” you happy. Then you are basing your happiness on her actions. Now as I, mentioned humans are terrible mind readers. So the wife makes a comment. That comment creates the thought of “Fine she can cook for now on.” That thought makes the origin event a negative event. So you get resentful because she commented on the burgers having too much garlic.
In addition, do you notice how much of a victim mindset you have when you let someone else control your emotions? Remember nobody likes a victim. So why would your wife want to be with you, if you’re are always playing the victim card? She doesn’t victims are tiring and never satisfied.
Now, if you take control of your emotions by changing your thoughts about an event. You can also become happier and actively feel love towards anybody you choose. I mean if you were able to feel love all the time, wouldn’t that be a great goal to pursue? You can if you change your thoughts about an event. Change your thoughts, you change your actions. With a different, you change your results. If you want to be content and find joy more in your life, you have to allow the negative emotions to happen and you have to take your emotional control box back.
You can’t receive emotions from other people
So with that, you see that you can’t expect someone to give you a heaping dish of happiness with a side of joy. It is actually impossible. You have to make yourself happy. Some people actually think that the government can bring you joy. Listen to any candidate from either side. So many times, there are promises of something being given to you. You can get the healthcare you want. You can get free childcare. You can get this that and a dash of another person’s money. People believe them because they believe that the government is able to provide happiness.
In reality, they are unhappy because they cant receive an emotion from another person.
You didn’t earn the happiness
Another reason you don’t deserve to be happy is that you didn’t earn your happiness. Yes, everything in life is earned. That includes being happy. Take many men who don’t feel happy on a regular basis. They often avoid the discomfort they come home to sit in front of the television and do nothing to fulfill their soul. They just do the same thing day in and day out. They don’t care to take pride in anything they created. They don’t care to step out of their comfort zone. They don’t want to grow.
Like a bodybuilder, you can’t expect to get stronger without lifting weights. There is a discipline that is needed to achieve your goals. You have to find a passion that feeds your soul without it is very difficult to find happiness. That transaction that will give you joy and a sense of fulfillment is going through the discomfort of learning. How do you build an R/C plane? You get to enjoy the awe of flying it. However, you still have to learn how to land. You learn the joy of landing by crashing that little hobby a few times.
There is a level of appreciation for a job well done. To be able to appreciate the job you have to go through that particular fire. You have to fall off the bike a few times before you can learn to ride it. So again, discomfort is the fertilizer for your growth.
Appreciation leads to gratitude. Which to have happiness and joy you need to be grateful for the experiences you have had. You want to have an attitude of gratitude. To get that many of us have to work at keeping that mindset. It is very easy to fall into the victim mindset, especially when it seems to be rewarded in today’s culture. Yet the victim mindset is never happy, never satisfied and always has a complaint. They are ungrateful and do not appreciate the work and cost of the effort.
Work to be happy to get out of that comfortable cave and do something that will cause you to grow. You do the hard work and put in the effort you will find happiness.
Yet you do deserve to be happy
Now for the twist, you do actually deserve to be happy, although as mentioned before, the only person who can make you happy is, you. Therefore, you deserve to allow yourself to be happy. Now I see you thinking. Yes, the only person who is really getting in your way of being happy is you. It is the fact that you don’t allow negative emotions to run their course. Often we don’t feel as we should be able to be happy. We worry too much, about what other people think though those people have their own worries.
Most people who are miserable actually are more comfortable in their own anxiety-induced cage that the very thought that the cage is unlocked and they can leave any time they choose too much. That type of thinking causes a very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. The very thought that their thoughts have locked them up for so long is actually scary. They have been perusing emotional suppressing pills because their doctor tells them they are not able to live without those pills. The people want a quick fix instead of just experiencing a scary emotion, in doing so they deny themselves the pleasure of feeling happy because they are running from all emotions.
So do you deserve to be happy? Oh yeah! Be happy if you are looking for permission to feel happy? Then you have it. Go allow yourself to feel unbridled joy and happiness. However, remember that you also deserve to feel sad when something sad happens. You deserve to feel anxiety when you screw up. Feel that guilt and shame when you are caught. Feel all the emotions you are given because you deserve those feelings. They color your memories and make you better all around. Yet you don’t deserve to require other people to make you happy. It is simply impossible for them to do so.
So today, start taking steps to allow your happiness to exist. If you want to be coached over, some trying or difficult parts then Please, sign up for some coaching. Don’t forget that we are also having a Camp and Coaching event that can help you find that joy if you so choose.