What happens when you try to fix other people’s problems? The answer is a lot of unintended consequences. Many guys who are going through their divorce see that they are struggling to find their place in the current scenario and with men often having some aspect of a nice guy they try to rush to a person’s aid.
Why can’t you fix a problem if you can?
Trying to fix a problem isn’t going to help anybody but yourself feel good about yourself. It doesn’t help the other person with their problem it may give a temporary bandaid but it doesn’t fix the issue at hand.
Robert Lupton talks about the damage that churches and charities do when they try to fix a problem. In his book Toxic Charity: How the Church Hurts Those They Help and How to Reverse It. Robert talks about how helping a person or caretaking is more destructive in the long run. This is because you take a person’s reason to care. This act goes against a person’s will to be self-sufficient. People have their own free will that they would otherwise be able to use if you hadn’t taken it from them.
So fixing a problem isn’t going to help the target be better. Look at toddlers when they are wanting to dress themselves. They realize they have free will and so they want to use their newfound power. So they want to do it themselves. If you do it for them because of whatever reason and you get a 2-year-old who has meltdowns because they can’t wear their Hawaiian shirt with shorts cowboy boots and a bucket hat that is the wrong color.
Teenagers are the same way. That is what created the rebellion in them. We don’t let them live life on their terms. Why? Not because it would damage them in any way but because of the thoughts we have about the circumstance. We think they will damage their future. When it’s not your future to control.
Yet we still try to “help” and then look in shock when the other person is frustrated angry resentful and ends up doing the very opposite of what you suggest. They actively will start to sabotage your actions. All because you tried to help because of your thoughts.
So am I saying you shouldn’t help others?
No, the farthest from that point. I am saying don’t help a person simply to make yourself feel better. Don’t take a person’s reasons to care because you want to care.
The big reason fixing other people doesn’t work is because you can’t change how they think.
