Are you accused of being unapproachable? Maybe stuck up or stand-offish? Many women are accused of having a resting bitch face and men can have a resting rage face. Some people just have a look or a demeanor about them that keeps people from approaching them. While some men are quite ok with this others do want to try to increase their network and improve their community pillar. So how do you become more approachable?
There is a part of me that wants to make it overly easy and say just be nicer! Appear more friendly to people. While this is true and the full essence of how to stop being so off-putting is not difficult it does take some awareness of how you are presenting yourself. Are you looking as if you are a friendly person or are you looking like you are pissed off?
If you are wanting to change how you show up for groups so that you are welcomed more often into gatherings there are a few things you can do to show up in a more friendly and open manner.
Smile
This is the easiest part of it all. Just smile! You do know how to do this, smiling is one of the first things you do as a baby.
But it feels forced or fake! That is a thought you have about smiling. You can do it and it will appear natural to other folks. Just because you hate your smile doesn’t mean you need to deny others the pleasure of your smile. If you want to build a connection with a person, smile. That grin shows people that you are open and willing to connect. It shows others that you are not pissed off.
That smile you have even if it is just a sly grin shows those around you that you are not dangerous. That is the reason when you have a resting murder face no one will talk to you. You look like you could blow at any time and they don’t want to be killed. So show some teeth.
Have eye contact
When you are greeting a person or you see a person coming up to you look them in the eye. Yeah, you will be uncomfortable because you haven’t done it in a long while. You may have been forced to look at your parent’s faces as they lectured you about something you did wrong. However, making eye contact allows people to feel safer around you.
If you want to be a leader that eye contact becomes even more important, but in the beginning, if you can look a person in the eye you let them know you are open. Afterward, you will have to work at maintaining that eye contact because eye contact continues with the trust.
Ask questions
When you are wanting to show interest in another person one of the best tips you can do is to ask questions. You don’t even have to say anything about yourself, just ask questions about the person you are talking to. If you can find yourself to be curious about what the other person does and just keep them talking they will often find you to be a great conversationalist.
People just like to talk about themselves. So ask copious amounts of questions and let them reply. This is surprisingly easy to do. As long as you stay curious about what they are talking about and keep asking questions they will find you to be a hit at any gathering.
Be Open Physically
How do you present yourself as being open? There are several key points in body language that show you are open and friendly. The big one is what are you doing with your arms and legs? Are they crossed? You are conveying that you are closed off. Do you have your cup of coffee between you and the person you are talking to? You are hiding from that person. There are many of these little signals that show you are not open.
Things you can do to show you are open and receptive is to start with your face. Are your eyes open and maybe have your eyebrows raised slightly? This shows interest in what is being said. You are receiving what is being said. It doesn’t mean you agree but you are listening.
There are many ways you can use body language to show people that you are open or you are closed off. To take the signs that a person isn’t receptive is to also see that they don’t find you interesting. If you want to be interesting show interest in other people
Offer Compliments freely
How many times do you offer a compliment? If you are seen as closed off or stand-offish I donut you are offering many compliments to other people. This is a classic trick to get people to open up about themselves.
What if they see it as you being fake? What if they are? What does that mean to you? Their thoughts are their own. You can be the sweetest peach in all the land, yet there will always be people who don’t like peaches. Stop focusing on the minuscule possibilities and offer up some positivity.
This does a couple of things that help you to be more open and appear more friendly. It allows you to shine the spotlight on those around you, and you may even accidentally give someone the needed boost they were needing.
Compliments are easy and if you are observant they can show others how open you are to interactions. If someone wears a particular piece of jewelry and you compliment them on it they get to have pride in it. If you start showing some interest in it they also can open up about why that piece of bling is important to them.
Graciously accept compliments
One thing so many people have problems with is accepting compliments. Yet, If you are going to freely give a compliment then accept all complements that return to you. People want to brag about you yet if you just brush it off it is telling them that their thoughts and praise aren’t important to you. Freely and with grace accept the compliment. The least you can say is thank you. You have poured lots into other people so be open for them to pour into you. It will take some work to stop deflecting praise when it comes your way but you can do so and by accepting that praise you help others feel better about themselves.
Laugh at yourself
Self-deprecating humor is one of the best humor to have. You aren’t poking fun at anybody but yourself. It allows others to laugh at your expense and you are the one who is in control of the fun. We can all be the but of our jokes and when we laugh at ourselves then we are inviting others to laugh with us.
Put a hand on their shoulder
When talking or greeting a person, give them a touch. This shows connection and a bond. It doesn’t have to be a long lingering grasp on the shoulder but a light tap works wonders for other people to feel as if you have their back and you are connecting with them.
Lean into the conversation
When you are talking to them, face them and lean, just slightly, towards them. This shows interest. If you want people to see you as friendly and not some lone jerk then be interested. When you are interested in others they see you as interesting. As mentioned before people love to talk about themselves and if you are displaying interest you don’t have to hardly say a word the other person will talk all night long.
Think and act positively
If you think you are boring you will appear boring. If you think you are appearing to be stand-offish you will be stand-offish. Your brain will look for instances of what you are thinking. So, if you are thinking sad thoughts you will appear sad. If you are thinking angry thoughts you are going to appear angry. Many times we have thoughts we are not paying attention to and they are commonly negative thoughts. If you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, what can you think of that will allow you to have more positive thoughts?
How you show up is all on you. Therefore if you don’t like how you show up then change your thoughts on the matter.
Act interested – Stop fidgeting
Many times when we are fidgety we appear uninterested or uncomfortable. There are ways to ease up the fidgeting. The biggest key to understanding is that it is from being nervous. Sadly many people want to heap this on to the “I have anxiety” or “I’m ADHD” post and that’s simply not true. You are nervous about doing something you are not used to doing. Be ok with that.
There are ways you can ease up on fidgeting. First off, the hardest part is relaxing. Take a deep slow breath and allow your prefrontal cortex to have control of your mind. A few good deep breaths will do just that.
If you need to hold your hands. This keeps your hands held busy without looking like they are busy. Be aware of what your mind is doing. Pay attention to what your hands are doing. Are you clicking a pen? Then set it down and focus on the person talking.
Speak first
When you first see a person, be their first to say hello. Don’t wait for the other person to make the first move. Even if they appear busy you can be the first to say something like hello. So try to say HI first. This shows them that you are open to communication
So go out and try to see who you can talk to. If there is a coworker who thinks you are stuck up, then go talk to them the next time you see them. Seek them out and you may be surprised how many friends you have.
