What does it mean to be self-confident? Do you ever think of that? You have heard people say they exude self-confidence. They are so confident about who they are. I wish I could be them. My question is what is it about self-confidence that makes people say “gee what a swell guy”? Why do we self-confident people? Self-confidence is an amazing emotion that very few people actually use. Some people won’t feel it because they are afraid. While others think, they are fake. While others who do use it attract so many people, and some folks see that and feel jealousy. Therefore they can’t let themselves feel that excessively because they don’t want to have people feel jealous of them.
Self-confidence is actually something everybody wants but so many don’t want to work for it. It has to do with a person’s mindset and to have to do the work of changing that mindset can be daunting at times.
What is Self-confidence?
While there are several different definitions above all self-confidence is an identity trait. Many people view it as an energy that you give off and though it is partially true. It is more than that. It is how you view yourself. What you think of yourself. That sense of you can do it. That is what draws people to those who have self-confidence.
Self-confidence allows you to instruct others on what to think of you. It shows others that people like you and they think highly of you and who you are. Most importantly, it encourages others to follow suit.
Because of that, people with self-confidence often are viewed as leaders. People inherently turn to them for guidance. Look at people you often turn to for direction you will see they often have a self-confident part of them. However, what makes a person self-confident?
I have seen people who are self-confident and they were total jerks. They are so unbelievably arrogant. Why would I want to have self-confidence? The keyword is arrogance. That tells you where a person is coming from. Arrogant people come from a scarcity mindset. They have to prove to people that they know what they are doing. With that, they demand that people recognize what they do know. At the same time, do not bring up what they don’t know. Arrogance focuses on what a person knows. This is the direct opposite of a self-confident person
While self-confidence centers on “we will figure it out”. It doesn’t matter if the person with self-confidence knows exactly what they are doing or not. They have the attitude and mindset of let’s see if we can do it. They make a joke about if not knowing they will soon figure it out. A self-confident person doesn’t really concern about how they will complete the journey they just know they will figure it out, sort of like playing it by ear. Yeah, there are going to be mistakes made and that is perfectly alright.
You control your mindset. You don’t have to worry about the acceptance of other people that is because you have accepted yourself a long time ago
How to build your Self-confidence
If you think you have to improve your ability first to get the self-confidence then you are backward on the steps you need to take. Self-confidence is an emotion and thought of you actually being able to do it and you don’t worry about messing up.
The big question is how does one build their self-confidence? I would love to say it is easy and it can be. You have to have the mindset that you can change. Which can be a challenge especially if you have a fixed mindset. The biggest aspect is that you have to change that mindset to an abundant mindset. That is because you will be making mistakes, many mistakes in fact. A person with self-confidence knows that they don’t know it all, so they are willing to learn along the way.
The ability to learn and the mindset to learn are both very different. You tell a person they need to be able to learn they will say they know they can learn, and they are correct. Anybody can learn. However, a person who has a growth mindset takes everything as a learning experience. While a fixed mindset takes it as a failure, and that they are not able to learn if they don’t pick something up right away.
Self-confidence is a lot like riding a bike. When you first learn how to ride a bike, you don’t have the foggiest clue as to what you need to do. Therefore, you try and you fall. Then you get back up and try again and you fall again. You keep trying and you keep falling. That is until you figure out what you have to keep moving to stay on the bike. You find the right amount of forwarding movement that keeps you on your bike. Then have you learned everything about a bike? No, you are still going to fall, especially when it is time to learn how to stop. Even after you think, you have mastered the stop, there are other areas of biking that you have to learn. You never stop learning about riding a bike. You know you have failed by receiving a generous bit of road rash.
You have to be Ok with failing. That ability to be OK with failure is the key point to anybody who has self-confidence. They don’t care what they don’t know it all. They will figure it out as they go. You can do that too as long as you know that there will be times that, you don’t and you are alright with that.
Apply the golden rule
Love your neighbor as you would love yourself. Well, you actually have to be able to love yourself, to be able to love others. So to be able to receive the respect from other folks you have to give yourself respect. Talking down about yourself doesn’t build self-confidence. There is self-emulating that can help deflect embarrassment which is good but self-loathing is what I am talking about. If you are your biggest hater then others are going to have a hard time understand what you what from them. Because remember self-confidence is, you instructing people on how to think of you. If you think you are trash then other people will also think you are trash. So love yourself. If you think you are amazing then others will think you’re amazing.
You accept your haters. Some people are not going to like you. You can’t stop them from throwing hate your direction. You have to be alright with people judging you. I know they are going to misjudge you, and that is ok. It doesn’t affect you. It is their loss because they don’t want to get to know you. You are awesome! They don’t care, so neither should you. You can’t change their mind they will have to change it themselves. The only way to change a person mind is to leave them. This sounds cold and cruel I know. Yet they are not going to change their mind suddenly, just because you start acting like you have to have their approval. They will just treat you worse.
Apply these affirmations
Here are 2 great affirmations that can help you with your mindset on building your self-confidence.”
“I believe in my ability to get this result. No matter how long it takes. How often I have to fail, or what I need to learn”
I enjoy making the impossible happen
Aren’t both of these affirmations incredible?
Misconceptions of Self-Confidence
Many people avoid self-confidence out of many misconceptions and outright fears, the biggest being that people will hate me. Guess what. You are right. They will hate you. They will find your leadership intimidating, and you can’t change that no matter how hard you try. There are people who will hate that you have self-confidence and they are lacking. Their fear and self-hatred are showing up because they don’t believe it is possible to have success. They are resisting the urge to go to the stability and acceptance that a person with the needed confidence to take on the job at hand possesses. Scarcity mindset traps people in their own misery
If I get too big, I am going to lose all my friends. This miss conception is nothing but irrational fear. Are you going to lose some friends? Yes, that is going to happen. As your success gets bigger, you’re going to have friends that don’t relate anymore. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them anymore but your path diverges from their path. So yes, there are friends who are going to go away. Don’t worry there are more friends who will come into your life. Your base of friends will grow as you grow. So no you will not become friendless, you will have more friends as you are more self-confident.
People will judge me. Yeah, they will the same as people judge you now. The same as you judge other people. Yes, you do. Stop arguing that angle. You judge who your friend is and who your friend isn’t. You judge whether a person can talk to you or not. You make little judgments all the time. Someone makes you anxious you cast judgment on them. You judge people for judging you. We all judge others. That is just who we are. You can choose to have a nice judgment as opposed to a negative judgment but trying to keep a person from judging is never going to happen. So let them judge you it doesn’t hurt you either way. Their emotions have no power over you. So don’t sweat it.
The last fear is that it is going to be too much work. The answer here is that they are sort of right. It is work and it is hard work. Yet, it is work that is worth the effort. You can build up your self-confidence. You have to understand that you can handle fear, of emotions and failures and survive. With each failure, you get better stronger and more resilient.
So get out there and change your mindset. See exactly how people react. Their thoughts of you will change it won’t be overnight but with dedication and determination, you will be able to shift your mindset which will change how others see you.
I like being able to help people find their “why” and achieve the personal freedom they desire. Besides writing for Relaxed Male I also am a life coach. By helping men find the leader that is found in each and every one of us. I do this by encouraging men to get outdoors and find the balance they are missing. Realize that they need to be in contact with the outside as often as they can. It is not only good for them but for their families and relationships.